The Journal
by xxpapercutxx
Summary: Uchiha Sasuke, a man who has removed himself from human contact, has found a journal of a boy, Uzumaki Naruto. Can he fall in love with this boy he never met? Yaoi AU
1. Chapter 1

Riko:I wrote another new story. I know, I know, you people want me to finish my other ones first.

Naruto:Yeah, you should! attacks Riko

Riko: Ahhhhhhhhhhhh hides behind Sasuke

Sasuke: Whatever...

Naruto: Grrr...Fine on with the story.

This story is dedicated to Sasuke2006 my loyal reviewer! I love you (as a friend)! Hope you like it!

**Warning:** Will be a Yaoi! pairings: SasukeNaruto, NeijiGaara, andZabuzaHaku

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

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**The Journal**

Sasuke Uchiha was a man that had it all he was young, rich, and famous, but there was one thing he was missing and that was love. He had never fallen in love. The loneliness he felt was slowly consuming him. The nights were lonely and the days were boring. He had no one, except his brother. The same brother who had saved him from the fire that killed his whole family. They didn't speak to each other anymore. Neither had anything to say.

The fire had been horrible and started by an unknown source. Sasuke had always suspected his brother of starting it. The last Sasuke had seen his parents were when they were fighting and locked themselves in a room so Sasuke couldn't hear. Itachi hated it when their parents fought and always would disappear and something bad would happen every time. Sasuke hated his brother, even though he owed him his life.

Sasuke lives alone in a giant mansion isolated from the rest of the world. Most of his human contact is through the phone and is very short and to the point. He didn't like to have to be around people it brought back memories he was trying to forget.

Sasuke didn't go places in the city often, so when he decided to go to the public library it was all over the news. He browsed the bookshelves nothing catching his eye until he came upon a book wedged between two shelves. It was a faded and old leather journal. The spine was frayed and stains from blood and tears covered it. The simple name Naruto Uzumaki was written on the cover in ballpoint pen. Sasuke didn't know why, but for some reason he felt the need to read the book. He placed it into his book bag and left the building.

Outside he was greeted with stares as he walked towards his black Jaguar. Many girls batted their eyelashes and many boys looked at him in admiration, but the Uchiha didn't notice any of this. He didn't like attention so he ignored it. Anyone who approached him was scared off with a cold glare. He slid into his car and sped down the road back to the solitude of his home.

No one greeted his arrival, and he liked it that way. The silence was something he loved and could never get enough of. It was the only way he found peace. Noise would bring back thought and he didn't want to have to think. If he had to think he would remember his past. His past was something he locked away, so he wouldn't have to feel. He would feel pain if he remembered, so he chose to forget.

He immediately went straight for his room, so he could read and not have to worry about the maids or butler's interrupting him. They were forbidden to enter his room. No one was ever in his room, except him and he wanted it to stay that way. The walls were red, like the blood that covered the ground of the burned mansion his whole family resided in. The bed was as black as night. The floor was a simple wooden floor that was worn from the pacing Sasuke would do when he would accidentally remember his horrid past. There was a window, but a heavy curtain blocking out any light and keeping the outside world from looking in always covered it. Sasuke lay down onto his bed and pulled the journal from his bag. Stopping he looked at the cover once more and brought the book to his chest. For some reason having the book near him made him feel relaxed and comforted. Shaking the feelings away he opened the journal and proceeded to read the first page.

December 27, 2001

My name is Naruto Uzumaki; I'm 14 years old and am a student at Konoha Junior High. I'm in class 2-C and my homeroom teacher's name is Iruka Umino. I have spiky blonde hair and blue eyes. My skin is tan and I have 6 scars running across my face three on each side, kind of like fox's whiskers. I'm writing this so that I will be remembered and be able to remember everything that has happened to me, because my worst fear is being forgotten and alone. I'm generally viewed as a happy person, but no one has ever seen the loneliness that I feel. I'll cry when I'm alone at night so no one will have to worry. I don't want their pity I want their love and that is something I will never have because I, Naruto Uzumaki, am a monster.

_He could here light footsteps coming towards the room and Naruto quickly hid the journal and pen under his pillow. He knew that his foster mother was coming and he didn't' want her to find out about the journal._

_"Naruto?" She called in a fake sweet voice. "Are you in there?"_

_"Yeah, I'm in here."_

_"Well, dinner is ready and I'd appreciate it if you came downstairs so we could all eat as a family."_

_"Okay, I'm coming," Naruto, said dreading what was to come._

_He walked downstairs to see his foster mother and foster father at either end of the table and Haku and Gaara, his two brother's sitting across from each other. There was a chair on either side of the boys and he chose to sit next to Gaara so he could be as far from his foster father as possible, although this meant he was right next to his foster mother. At least she pretended to care and was civil towards him._

_"Now Haku dear why don't you say grace for us?" Their foster mother said sweetly to Haku. In her mind she liked to pretend that they were a perfect family that didn't have any problems._

_"Okay mother," Haku said just as he was expected to. When everyone was together they tried to not have any problems so things would go smoothly._

_As Haku said grace Naruto glanced at his foster father to see that his hate filled stare wasn't directed at him. He was looking at his wife with it. Naruto couldn't help but wonder why. Usually he was never upset with his wife. He heard Haku say amen and quickly closed his eyes and pretended he had been listening._

_"Amen," they all said in unison. Naruto didn't believe in the Christian God that his foster parents did, neither do Haku or Gaara, but they all played along so there wouldn't be a problem._

_Everyone waited for, Shinji, their foster father to get his food first. It was an unwritten rule that he always got to go first, and no one ever questioned or challenged him. When he finished the others got their food too, but left the best pieces of the meal in case Shinji wanted seconds._

_Naruto sat there eating his food and not looking up at all. When his foster mother, who was trying to make conversation but failing miserably, asked him a question he would answer quickly and with few words._

_When he finished his food he politely asked to be excused and left the room quickly after he was told yes._

_In this house hold the only place you could breathe freely was when you were in your room. Naruto let out the breath he hadn't even meant to hold in once he got into the sanctuary of his own room. He changed into some loose black shorts and an orange tank top. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and faked a smile, before frowning. He could still see the sadness in his eyes when he smiled. Sighing he slipped into his bed and fell into a restless sleep full of nightmares._

January 1, 2002

I didn't get to finish writing yesterday because my foster mother walked in and I don't need her to find this. She'll want to see it and find it while I'm gone and see what I have written. She acts like she cares about me, but she's only doing this to look good. I know the way she looks at me in disgust when my back is turned and how she buys anything I want so she has a reason to ignore me. My foster father is even worse. He doesn't care that I see the disgust on his face, and he voices how much he hates me everyday. They lock me in my room while I'm at home, but let me leave whenever because they'd rather have me out of the house. If you're reading this you must be wondering why they hate me so much. Well I'll tell you, like I said before I'm a monster. My parents were murderers and it is expected that I'll be one too. I even know I'm a freak! I mean I cut myself just so I can see the blood run down my arm and lick it away. I love the taste of it; it's like an addiction. I can't get enough of it I always want more and more and more. Then before I know it, I'll come to find that my arm is a bloody mess. Then I have to face her and look down so I won't have to see the hate in her eyes as she bandages my arms. The one thing I hate most about my foster parents though is that they fear me more than they hate me. Since I don't have this to say to anyone else. Happy New Year.

January 4, 2002

Since everything I've written so far has been self-pity I've decided to write about one of the three people who don't hate me. I'll write about the other two tomorrow, but for today I'll just tell you about my friend, Gaara Sabaku. Gaara is treated like a monster just like me. He's 14 and also attends Konoha Junior High. He however is in class 2-D. Gaara is my best friend and we've know each other for 10 years. We met when we were 4 years old in an orphanage and always were adopted and taken back to the orphanage together. I've always been with him and would probably die if someone ever separated us. He has blood red hair and jade green eyes. The kanji for love is tattooed to his forehead. His father did that to him before he killed his wife, other two kids, and committed suicide. Gaara understands me and loves me for who I am, all of me, even the monster inside. He is the only person I can truly trust and feel safe with. He is the brother I never had.

January 5, 2002

The next person I will talk about is my other best friend, Haku. Haku is a cross dresser and very proud of his sexual orientation. He is in love his homeroom teacher Zabuza Momochi, but also has a crush on Gaara. Haku confuses me a lot and makes me wonder about what it feels like to be in love. I have never fallen in love before and I don't know how. Haku says you can't choose who you love; yet I chose to love him and Gaara as my friends. It makes no since to me. Oh, right. Haku goes to Kohona Junior High, but is 13 and in class 3-A, he skipped two grades. He's a genius and our foster mother loves him for it. Haku is the daughter she always wanted. In fact everyone thinks Haku is a girl, the only one's who know otherwise are Gaara, my foster parents, Zabuza, and I. Haku wasn't supposed to tell him, but he did anyway. He wanted the one he loved to know that he was a boy. Haku even looks like a girl, with his long silky black hair and big brown eyes covered in lashes you wouldn't think otherwise. Even his body is feminine; he has long legs, which are hairless, and a small waist. His shoulders aren't broad and his arms and legs are thin too. I sometimes even catch myself thinking of him as a girl, but he's not. He's still a boy who likes boy things. He'd rather play soccer in the pouring rain then go shopping for shoes. This is why our foster parents love Haku, and ignore us. He is their perfect child and Gaara and I are the monsters that ruin their perfect life. They would love nothing more than to get rid of us and keep Haku, but Haku says that if we go, he goes too. I love Haku, he is one of my dearest friends and like the mother I never met and sister I never had. He's always the mature one that scolds me when I am bad and the one who teases me when people who don't know I'm a monster flirt with me. Just like Gaara I wouldn't know what I would do without him.

January 6, 2002

The last person I will talk about is my homeroom teacher Iruka Umino. He is the first person, other than Haku and Gaara, that has seen past the monster in me to the person I really am. He has shoulder length brown hair that he always keeps in a ponytail. He has tan skin and a scar that runs across his nose. He is a teacher at Kohona Junior High, my homeroom teacher, and English teacher. He is kind to everyone, but can be violent when it comes to someone misbehaving. I've been smacked so many times by him, but I deserved every single one. They weren't for me being a monster, but for saying crude things, falling asleep in class, and not doing the work. He would also yell at me but always apologize when necessary, he was just trying to be a good teacher, but to me he was more like a father. That was how Iruka became the father I had never known. He's working on trying to adopt Gaara, Haku, and I, but my foster parents don't want to give Haku up. They are more than willing to get rid of Gaara and I, but Haku is telling the people at the adoption center what kind of people they really are and slowly they are cracking and leaning more towards letting Iruka take us all. Iruka is such a kind man and he is always patient with me, when I do well he takes me out to eat at Ichiraku. He knows just what to say to make Gaara calm down when someone angers him too much to the point of being homicidal and what to do when Haku falls into one of his depressions. Iruka is my hope, my hope for a better life, a hope for happiness, and most importantly and hope for feeling loved. That is all I really want, to be loved. I don't care if it's hard, or if we fight a lot over everything, yet nothing. I don't want to have to be alone forever, even if we hate each other, but still are in love it doesn't matter. I just want that one person who will love me for who I am. I just want to be loved…

January 7, 2002

I sometimes am consumed by loneliness. I will just sit in my room and cry, cry for everything when nothing is wrong, cry when everything is wrong, cry when I wish it would all just go away. I don't know why I haven't just committed suicide and ended everything. I don't want to have to feel all this pain I do. I want to fade away into nothingness and never be hurt again. The mental pain is much worse than the physical pain. I am constantly being told that I am nothing, a monster, and that no one loves me and I believe than. I believe them and no matter what Gaara, Haku, or Iruka say I always believe the people who hurt me most over the people who care for me. I wish I could erase away all the bad memories and just live in a world where no one knows that I am a monster. I want to be free of the judgment based on what my parents did. But no matter how much I wish and hope it won't change. It will always be the same. I will always be nothing, a monster, and not loved. I will always be alone and I am afraid that I will die alone too.

January 8, 2002

Today Haku was diagnosed with cancer. He might die. If the cancer is malignant there will be nothing they can do and Haku will die. I haven't stopped crying for eight hours and neither has Haku. We were holding each other and crying all day long. Our foster mother, the bitch, made us go into our separate rooms to sleep. I hate her so much. Now that Haku has cancer she doesn't want him anymore. Iruka will have full custody of us in a week and we'll finally be free of them. Haku is so kind and loving, he doesn't deserve this! WHY HIM? WHY ONE OF THE PEOPLE I LOVE! HOW CAN LIFE BE SO CRUEL! HOW?  
How?

_"I'm sorry, but your son has cancer. We don't know if it is malignant yet though. We'll have to wait and do some tests, but we'll get him started on the chemo and radiation as soon as possible," The doctor telling them said with a grave face._

_"What! This must be some sick joke! Not Haku! It can't be Haku, it has to be a mistake!" Naruto screamed as a waterfall of tears cascaded from his blue eyes._

_"I'm so sorry, but we are not joking. We wish we were but it is for sure that Haku has cancer."_

_"No! No, I refuse to believe you! Not Haku! Please God not him! Anyone but him," Naruto screamed as he fell to his knees on the hospitals clean white floors. "Please don't take him away from me. Please don't." He began begging to whatever God was willing to listen._

_People began looking over at the group, most with sad eyes. They knew the pain that this boy was feeling, for they had loved ones with cancer too._

_Gaara placed a comforting hand on Naruto's back and lifted him back to his feet._

_"Begging and refusing to accept what the doctor has to say won't help Haku. You should go see him," Gaara said._

_Naruto nodded and ran down the hall to the room Haku was in. Nurses and doctors watched him sadly knowing there was nothing they could say to comfort the little boy. He burst through the door and ran to Haku's side. Haku opened his arms and embraced the blonde boy trying to comfort him. Naruto managed to say something through his choked sobs and what he said made Haku begin to cry as well._

_"I don't think I will be able to ever smile again if you die."_

_"Please don't say that Naruto," Haku began hugging the blonde tighter to his chest. "Don't make me feel guilty for something I have no control over. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wouldn't ever want you to stop smiling. You have such a beautiful smile and I don't know what I'd do if I never got to see it again, I'd probably lose all hope."_

_"Haku!" Naruto wailed as buried his face in the younger boy's shoulder. "I'll smile for you, as long as you promise me you will not lose hope!"_

_"I promise," Haku, said smiling sadly as tears streamed steadily down his pretty face._

_Gaara stood outside the door and one tear slid down his cheek, before he whipped it away and entered the room to try and calm down his two brothers._

The page was stained with many tears that had been shed while the boy had written this. The Uchiha felt a pain in his chest. This boy was like him. So alone, and felling so unloved. One of the people he loved was being taken from him. Sasuke sighed as he turned the page and continued reading well into the night.

The journal entries for a long time were about Haku and how his health was. A few would be about Naruto and his loneliness, and one or two about fun things that had happened with Iruka or Gaara.

February 2, 2002

Haku is still in the hospital, the chemotherapy and radiation make him sick and he always is really weak. He has become a deathly pale instead of his usual healthy pale. His eyes seem lifeless at times, but he always tries to smile. When he thinks I'm looking away however his face falls into a frown. He keeps apologizing to me. He says he's sorry for how sad he's making me and wishes this had never happened, that he hates seeing me sad. I know he doesn't want me to be sad but I can't help it. I don't want Haku to die; I'd be so lost without him. Every time I see him I die a little more inside. He is one of the few people who love me and I don't want to lose him. I also feel so guilty that instead of worrying about his own health he is worrying over whether I'm sad or not. It makes me feel so bad and weak that others have to constantly worrying over me. Am I really that helpless? Am I really so sad that they can tell all the time? I wish I could change so much, but I can't. I would be willing to die in place of Haku, but I can't do that either. I can't do anything but watch helplessly as my friend slowly fades away into an eternal sleep.

February 4, 2002

Haku's hair is falling out. The hair he loves so much. His beautiful long silky hair that he had grown out all year, because he once heard Zabuza liked long hair. He wants me to cut it and give it to Zabuza along with a letter confessing his love. I cut it and did what he asked, for there is not much I can do for Haku, but this I could do.

February 6, 2002

Gaara, Iruka, and I all went to a park today. It may not seem all that special, but to me it was. I finally have a family that loves me, but I still feel loneliness deep down. Gaara and Iruka think I really am happy now, I guess I am becoming a better actor. My façade is so much more full proof than my last one. I don't want to worry them, so I'll keep my sadness and loneliness to myself. The park was fun and I really did enjoy myself, but as soon as it was over the feelings came back.

February 8, 2002

Zabuza loves Haku too. He came to the hospital today and told him. Haku is a lot happier now and the doctors say he is getting better. The cancer isn't malignant and he should live. The chemotherapy and radiation is working and the cancer is going away. Haku might live. I can finally hope again.

February 9, 2002

I'm getting depressed again. Valentine's Day is approaching and once again I'll be alone. Rumors have been going around school that Neiji Hyuuga likes Gaara, but they are only rumors as far as we know. Neiji is a pretty boy and has pale skin. He has long brown hair that he keeps in a low ponytail and white eyes. Neiji scares me a little, when he looks at me his stare is unnerving. I will be happy for Gaara however if it's true that Neiji likes him. I want him to be happy at least, even if I can't be.

February 14, 2002

Today was not as bad as I thought it would be. Neiji and Gaara both got together, Haku had a great day with Zabuza, and Iruka has a secret admirer. Even better is that a girl, Sakura Haruno, in my class gave me a valentine and said she hoped that we could be friends. She had to work with me on a project in our science class and she said that all the rumors she had heard about me were false. Sakura said that I wasn't a monster; she said that just because you're parents did something sick and wrong doesn't mean that you will too. Her smile is so calming and her words can sometimes be harsh but it's only because she cares so much. Her best friend Ino Yamanaka has also agreed to try and get to know me. Ino was one of Haku's friends and knows that if both of her closet friends are friends with someone, it's pretty much assured that they are a good people. Everyone was really surprised when Sakura befriended me, but she ignores all the stares and glares our classmates give us. She said it doesn't matter what other people think as long as you know the truth. Sakura, I feel is going to become a close friend of mine.

_Naruto walked into his homeroom class with his head down. Seeing all the happy people exchanging valentines had made the blonde extremely sad. He walked to his desk expecting to find nothing and gasped when he saw a read card with a heart on it. He looked around to see if anyone was looking at him and saw that everyone else was busy talking and exchanging stuff._

_He picked up the card and slowly opened it. Inside was writing in pink, and it read,_

_Dear Naruto,_

_I know we haven't been the greatest of friends, in fact not even friends, but I would like that to change. When I worked on that project with you in science I got to know you, and I found that all the rumors I've heard about you were a lie. You're a good person Naruto. It doesn't matter to me what your parents did, because you're not your parents, you are Naruto. I would really like it if you could forgive me for ignoring you over some silly rumors and become my friend. If you don't want to though, I completely understand. I am so embarrassed about buying into all the rumors people told me. I mean you're not a monster you're just a boy who had horrible parents that did sick things. I know now that I need to find out the truth before I judge people. Just remember you are a great person and hopefully my new friend._

_Love,  
Sakura Haruno_

_Naruto held the kind card to his chest and smiled slightly. Someone else believed in him. He set the card gently onto his desk and took a deep breathe before turning and walking over to where Sakura and her friends were sitting._

_"Hello Sakura-chan," Naruto said somewhat quietly._

_"Hello Naruto," Sakura said smiling brightly at the boy. "So, do you forgive me?"_

_"Yes, I forgive you and I would like to be your friend too," Naruto said smiling at the pink haired girl._

_Her green eyes brightened and she jumped up and hugged Naruto, her long hair cascading around her and the blonde boy. Sakura's friends looked shocked for they all hated the blonde boy, but they had no real reason to._

_Ino cam up and tapped Sakura on the shoulder._

_"Yeah Ino?"_

_"When were you going to tell me that we were making a new friend?" Ino said pretending to be upset with her best friend._

_"Who ever said you were, only I am!" Sakura said jokingly pulling Naruto away from Ino._

_"Haha, very funny Sakura. Hey, Naruto," Ino said grabbing the blonde boys attention._

_"I think we should be friends too," Ino said smiling at the boy. "Haku said you're a good kid and if Sakura agrees then it has to be true."_

_"Really?" Naruto asked unsure._

_"Of course, really," The blonde said shaking her head and laughing at Naruto's suspicion._

_"Okay, thank you," Naruto said smiling at the girl. He was really happy they wanted to be his friends._

Sasuke Uchiha smiled, actually smiled when he read that entry. He put his fingers to his lips in disbelief. Even he was surprised that he had smiled. The last time he had really smiled was when he was a child, before his parents had died. This book was doing strange things to him and he wasn't sure whether he should like it or not. He just knew though, that he had to finish reading it. His own reason for this was unknown, even to himself; he just felt the need to finish the journal.

When Sasuke wasn't reading the journal he was thinking about it, or rather the blonde boy, Naruto Uzumaki. Naruto was like him in many ways and not like him in many others. The boy tried to be happy, and Sasuke tried to not feel anything. They both were lonely and hated the pain of losing someone and being sad. One had some people who truly cared about them and one had the false love people feel for celebrities. The both had the longing to be loved; neither had ever fallen in love though. Neither even knew what it was like to love. Naruto released his pain through self-mutilation and Sasuke through self-torment. They were similar, yet so different.

Sasuke drowned himself in work so he would stop obsessing over the blonde. It didn't work though. Thoughts of the blonde always seemed to enter his mind and he couldn't block them out. It was like he knew the blonde inside and out, though they had never met.

Sasuke would reread the entries he had already read just so he could feel closer to the blonde. The Uchiha didn't know what to do, but reading the journal helped him find comfort. Comfort was something he desperately needed. The loneliness was ten times worse now that he had begun to feel close to someone. How ironic was it that the thing that brought him comfort, was the same thing that tormented him.

The journal wasn't anything special. In fact it was poorly made. The covering was leather, but cheap leather. The paper inside was old and very thin. He had to be so careful not to rip anything. The binding in it was breaking and the sun had faded the color.

The words inside the journal were what made it special. Naruto was special. He had made the Uchiha feel again. Although he didn't even set out to do this, what he had done to the Uchiha was purely accidental. Sasuke didn't think of it that way though. In his mind Naruto had written this journal for him to find. He would blame Naruto for the loneliness he was feeling or the sadness. But at the same time thank Naruto for the comfort his words brought.

Sasuke could clearly picture the blonde in his mind and on many occasions dreamed of the blonde. Usually in the dreams they would be in a large area, sometimes a city, sometimes a field, or sometimes a street and he would always run towards the blonde but never get any closer than when he began.

The Uchiha was always so wrapped up in thinking of the boy that his past was forgotten. He no longer had the haunting nightmares and would sit and think of how much he hated his brother. This one journal had changed his life so drastically, yet Sasuke hadn't even noticed.

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Thanks for reading please review! It will inspire me to write more! Or guilt me into writing more! 


	2. Chapter 2

Riko: I forgot to mention this, silly me, but Sasuke is 21 and Naruto would be 19 because Sasuke is living in the year 2006 just like us.

Naruto: People thought my journal was really old.

Riko: Well, one of my ideas was to have you already be dead. -runs for life before readers and Naruto attack her-

Sasuke: Don't worry, Naruto won't be dead, if she wants to live. -glares at Riko- She already has me angry.

Riko: Shhh, it's a secret they aren't supposed to know yet.

Naruto: I get my first kiss! -Riko smacks him-

Riko: You ruined it! Now they all know!

Sasuke: That wasn't why I was mad though...

Naruto: I didn't say who kissed me though.

Riko: True...Fine I forgive you. -Riko and Naruto hug-

Sasuke: Ok, well on with the fic.

**Warning:** Yaoi, sadness, and incest kinda not really but whatever.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, that one guy who's name I can't remember right now does.

This story is still dedicated to Sasuke2006. Lucky you because it is my most popular story! You must be good luck! Thank you all my 44 reviewers you guys rock! This chapter wouldn't be here if you hadn't inspired (some threaten me) into writing it! This originally was going to only be three chapters but I've decided to make it longer, because you people like it so much. So enjoy and try not to cry!

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**The Journal**

Sasuke had been reading the journal for weeks and still he wasn't even close to finishing it. When he wasn't reading it he was thinking of it, and when he was reading it he couldn't put it down. So many sleepless nights began to add up and yet he was still tormented by this longing to keep reading the journal. Naruto was so much like him in many ways, but so different. His inner turmoil kept him from functioning correctly and many times he would find himself feeling emotion and thinking.

His horrible past would sometimes reappear in his mind, when Naruto was having a pretty difficult time in the journal. He could remember his brother's cruel red eyes watching in delight as the house burned and the shrieks of pain pierced the air. The emotions he had felt that day returned, he could feel the same pain and fear coursing through his veins. The cold arms that embraced him and held him back from running back to his parents burning to death in the mansion, and the tears that had spilled down his cheeks. A cruel laugh filled his ears.

Sasuke was surprised to feel the tears running down his face. He slowly reached his hands up to his face and felt the warm tears. The shock for the Uchiha was great and he began to shake as he realized that he still cared and was hurt over what had happened. Sasuke hadn't cried since that day, and thought that he never would again. The journal had changed him already so drastically.

The Uchiha whipped the tears from his eyes and stood from his bed. He had been running from his past, but he never thought he would actually have to ever face it. He turned to look at the journal and picked it up. Thoughts ran through his head and he realized what he had to do. Throwing on some clothes he walked quickly into the hall and down the stairs. The maids and butlers who saw him were shocked to see their master actually leaving the house so abruptly. Sasuke walked out of the house to his car and began driving down the road.

As he drove he thought back to the most recent entries he had read.

December 27, 2002

I still can't believe I've had this diary for a year. So many things have happened and I don't know how to feel about them. Haku got cancer and then survived and then started going out with Zabuza. Gaara going out with Neiji, it all has changed for them. I have to wonder why my life continues to stay the same. I'm not as sad as I used to be, but I still am sad. I have stopped cutting, but the scars still remain. I still smile, but the frowns always return. It's like there is something missing inside of me. I know that I've changed, but I still feel the same.

December 29, 2002

Today, Sakura, Ino, and I are all going to go shopping. I'm kind of afraid, because last time we went, I ended up in girl's clothes. Don't even ask it's a long and scary story. Even though a lot of people still hate me for being a monster, I am a little happier with all the new people who are my friends.

January 1, 2003

I can't stop the tears. I am really happy for Haku I am, but I can't help but feel upset and angry that he is leaving me. Zabuza is moving to the United States, and Haku is going with him. Is it wrong for me to be mad and sad? I mean, I'm trying to feel happy for him, I just can't. Haku means so much to me! I ALMOST LOST HIM ONCE AND NOW IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! WHY! WHY? Why? Why Haku why? Doesn't he know what this does to me? I am so hurt and feel so sad. I keep on crying and crying. Haku may not be dieing this time, but once he leaves to America…He will be dead to me. I love Haku, but he hurts me so much. I am so ugly! I am jealous of Haku's happiness! I'm such an ugly person, I don't deserve and love or happiness! I should just die! Kill me! KILL ME! MAKE ME BLEED! I DON'T WANT THIS PAIN! I DON'T WANT THIS UGLYINESS! WHY AM I ALIVE! WHY? WHY WILL NO ONE ANSWER ME! WHY? I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I WANT IT ALL TO DISSAPPEAR! I WANT TO FADE AWAY INTO BLACK AND NEVER COME BACK! EVERYTIME I FEEL HAPPY FOR REAL, SOMETHING HAPPENS AND IT ALL FALLS APART! THE HIGHER I GO THE MORE IT HURTS WHEN I FALL BACK DOWN! I HATE YOU HAKU! HATE YOU! HATE!

Tears slipped silently down the blonde boy's cheeks as he wrote in the journal. His hand was shaking and lip quivering. Every once in awhile Naruto would wipe the back of his hand across his sore, blood-shot eyes and try to clear his vision. The boy eventually began to write furiously before slamming it shut and throwing it at his wall.

Covering his face with his hands, the broken boy began to sob quietly. He was so sad and angry, but he didn't know what to do. He was confused and just wanted to be comforted and held. He was losing his best friend and brother, and he could do nothing about it. The blonde boy brought his knees to his chest and cried himself to sleep.

January 2, 2003

I don't hate Haku. I hate what he is doing to me. I'm so sad and confused now. I still want to die. Just fade away and never have to feel again. It would be so much easier that way, but I don't want to run away from my problems. They will just haunt me until I go insane. I'm going to tell Haku how I feel, and I hope he'll understand.

January 3, 2003

Haku understands. He knows how painful it is for me, because he is going through the same pain. Last night he held me until I fell asleep and this morning he told me something. "Naruto, no matter what happens, I'll always love you, Aniki. No matter where I am, I'll always be there for you. I am so sorry that I'm leaving you. I hope that one day you'll forgive me and understand why I am leaving. Remember, this isn't goodbye, because this isn't forever. We'll see each other again, don't worry, I promise we will." I will miss Haku, but I want him to be happy, so I'll wait for the day that we meet again.

Sasuke frowned as he found himself thinking of the blonde boy again. He would obsess over the blonde later, right now he had to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. He pulled his car into the parking lot of a seemingly lifeless building. Not many cars graced the parking lot and Sasuke shivered at the thought of whom he was going to see.

The Uchiha took a deep shaky breath before opening the car door and walking to the entrance of the building. Inside it was completely white. He felt like the white walls of the sterile and almost empty building were swallowing him. Walking to the information desk he felt the dread building in his stomach, he knew he had to do this though. He then asked the man there.

"I am here to see my brother, Itachi Uchiha."

The man nodded and handed him directions to where his brother was kept. Sasuke walked down the empty halls of the mental asylum and felt sicker with every step he took. When he finally came upon the room his brother resided in all thought and breath left his body for a moment. Then he came to and opened the door.

Itachi Uchiha had many problems. First being he was clinically insane. He had been in the mental asylum since he was thirteen, right after his family's murder. Itachi had freaked out in the questioning room when they asked him if Sasuke had started the fire and he attacked the police officer. They quickly hauled him off to the mental asylum after the incident, but there was no evidence on who started the fire.

Another of many problems was his love for his brother. Itachi was in love with Sasuke, not in the brother way. He had wanted Sasuke when they had been younger, but Sasuke was eight and still naïve and innocent. Itachi wanted to be the one to corrupt him, but his parents figured out what Itachi was doing and was going to separate them. Itachi refused to let his parents take Sasuke away from him. This led many to believe Itachi had started the fire.

"Sa…Sasuke?"

What Sasuke saw before him wasn't the same older brother he remembered. The man before him was frowning and looked scared. His brother was always confident and stoic. This man looked ready to cry. Sure physically they looked the same, the man and his brother, but this man couldn't be Itachi.

"Itachi?" Sasuke questioned kneeling in front of the man.

"Yes," Itachi began. "It's me, and I have something I must tell you."

"What?"

"I love you Sasuke. I'm in love with you, and I have been since we were children." Itachi looked down ashamed. "I loved you so much that I killed our parents so I wouldn't lose you. I'm so sorry Sasuke; I know you'll never forgive me. I know you hate me, and that you'll never have and never will love me."

Sasuke looked at his broken brother and couldn't feel the hate he had once felt before. He didn't fear his brother like when they were younger. Sasuke could only feel pity, for the brother he had once had. The Itachi he had known had died the day they were separated. He gently rested a hand on Itachi's shoulder.

"Itachi, I'm sorry," Sasuke began. "I never even tried to forgive you and I might never forgive you, but you are still my brother and I can't help but care for you."

Itachi looked up and Sasuke saw the tears trailing down his face. A picture of Naruto flashed in his mind and he shook his head to clear his thoughts. His brother wasn't dead he was just lost. Sasuke gently wrapped his arms around his older brother and whispered.

"I missed you Aniki."

The visit didn't last much longer, but Sasuke promised to come back and visit. The younger Uchiha had no idea that his brother had fallen so far from what he had been. The sadness in his eyes was equal to or more than what was in Sasuke's. Itachi hadn't wanted to be alone, but Sasuke had. The pain must have been much worse for his brother and Sasuke couldn't even imagine what it was like.

On his drive home his thoughts were once again filled with Naruto. Everything in life seemed to remind him of the boy. Naruto was everywhere but nowhere at the same time. Sasuke couldn't prevent the thoughts and had come to realize it was easier if he just let them run through his head. He was tired of fighting the impossible battle and now he was sitting back and trying to figure out what all these thoughts meant.

As soon as he arrived home Sasuke went straight back to his room and grabbed the journal settling down to read through the night again.

February 1, 2003

Haku is gone. He is in America now. It feels so different here without him around. I don't have anyone to criticize my clothing. Gaara is sad and misses Haku too, though he'll never admit it. I've been thinking and realized that I don't have any meaning in my life. Gaara, Haku, Iruka, Sakura, and everyone all have something that they are living for. I have figured out that I don't. It's rather hard to come to terms with something like that and have now decided that I will create meaning for my life, by living to make other people happy. I like it when other people smile and laugh, and I like it when I'm the one that causes the smiles or laughter. I hate it when other people are sad or mad because of me. I don't like making people that way, but I always do. Those families of my parents' victims are the worst, they hurt my feelings so badly. Every time I see them they glare and call me a monster or freak. I always apologize, but they never forgive me. I don't even know what I'm apologizing for I wasn't born yet. I just have always been hated, but all I want to do is make people happy. Why can't we all just be happy?

February 2, 2003

Gaara hasn't left my side since Haku left, unless he had to. He'll hug me every time I frown and smile at me whenever I look sad. I know Gaara misses Haku just as much as I do, and I wonder why he is able to make me so happy, when he is sad as well. I admit that I need the comfort Gaara is giving me, but something is still missing. It's that emptiness I feel inside me. I have felt it for as long as I can remember, it has always been with me. I want it to go away, I really need it to be filled. I wonder if the emptiness I feel is the emptiness of not having love. I don't know what it is like to be in love, but I know how to love someone. I am not in love with anyone, but I do love people. I don't really understand what love is, and if you don't either I decided to look it up in the dictionary. This is what I found:

Love noun 1: a quality or feeling of strong or constant affection for and dedication to another 

2a: attraction based on sexual desire 

2b: a beloved person: DARLING:

3a: warm attachment, enthusiasm or devotion

3b: the object of attachment or devotion

4: a score in tennis (this one made me laugh)

-In love: feeling love for and devotion

Love verb loved; loving 1: to hold dear: CHERISH

2a: to feel a lover's passion, devotion, or tenderness for

2b: to touch or stroke lightly 

3: to like or desire actively: take pleasure in

4: to grow well in

I read through these and realized that I have never been in love before. I have had crushes on people but they didn't mean that much nor lasted very long. Most people hate me any way so it doesn't matter if I ever did fall in love with someone, my affections and feelings wouldn't be returned. I know what hate feels like and I have experienced hate for others, but like before I decided to look it up in the dictionary.

Hate noun 1: strong dislike

2: something or someone that is hated

Hate verb hated: hating 1: to feel strong dislike toward

2a: to have a strong feeling of disgust for

2b: to find distasteful: DISLIKE

-Hater-hate one's guts: to hate someone to an extreme degree

I hate people like my old foster parents in a strong dislike way. People, who hate me, hate me in the hate one's guts way. They hate me to an extreme degree. I never knew how simple it would be for me to understand a word by only looking it up. I know still that I don't know what it feels like to be in love, but I have a better understanding. I also know what it means to hate a person, and I find that most people do hate me.

_Naruto searched through the house trying to find it. Gaara and Iruka watched him with confused and amused expressions on their faces. The blonde boy was looking for something and hadn't bothered to ask either for help, so they decided to watch until Naruto realized that he needed help._

_He looked in the living room, checking under the couch, behind the television, under the rug, and on the coffee table. But it wasn't there. Next he searched the kitchen, he looked in the fridge, on the table, under the sink, in the drawers, and on the counters. It was still nowhere to be found. He then checked the bathroom, but realized that it probably would never be in a bathroom._

_Naruto sat down on the couch frustrated and upset. His mouth set in a pout and his head resting atop his drawn up knees. Iruka and Gaara looked at each other and nodded. They walked over and sat on either side of the blonde. The boy looked at one then the other confused at what they were doing._

_"Naruto," Gaara said._

_"Yes," Naruto asked looking at his brother._

_"What are you looking for?" Iruka said. Naruto's gaze then went to his father._

_"A dictionary."_

_Iruka and Gaara then looked away from the blonde trying not to smile or laugh. For you see the dictionary right in front of the blonde. They knew that the boy didn't know that it was the dictionary was the fact that it didn't say dictionary on it. Gaara reached over and picked it up handing it to the blonde._

_"Here."_

_"What? Is this the dictionary?" Gaara nodded and Naruto blushed embarrassed._

_"It's okay," Gaara said smiling a little and hugging the blonde. "People make silly mistakes all the time."_

_Naruto nodded his head but looked down, it was really embarrassing for him despite his brother's comforting words. Naruto then smiled and turned his face to look at Gaara._

_"Thank you." Gaara just smiled and stood to leave with Iruka. Naruto sat there smiling for although Gaara hadn't realized it, Naruto's thank you was for everything. He was saying thank you for being there, thank you for understanding me, thank you for being my brother, thank you for always helping me, and most importantly thank you for loving me. Naruto knew that even though he didn't say anything Gaara would understand eventually what he had meant._

This last entry left Sasuke to ponder in fact just what love was. Naruto had explained it and yet he still didn't understand. He understood the hate however. Sasuke hated most things in life and there were only a couple things he didn't hate. He didn't hate silence, working, or solitude. Sasuke also didn't hate Naruto. This got Sasuke to thinking, if he didn't hate Naruto, how did he feel about him? What word could he use to describe the feelings that he felt when thinking of the blonde? He knew he cared for the blonde, but he didn't know how to explain what he felt. He racked his brain trying to figure out whom he could ask.

Of course, the only person who came to mind was Itachi. He sighed and accepted the fact that he would have to talk about his feelings with his brother. Sasuke sighed and could hope Itachi didn't get the wrong idea, talking about love with someone who was in love with him may not be the best idea. The Uchiha pushed those thoughts away and continued reading the journal until he fell asleep.

March 10, 2003

It's not the same without Haku here, but I have found that I still able to feel happy. Well only as long as I don't think of Haku being gone. I don't know if anyone is going to ever read this journal of mine, but if they do there is something I want to tell you. It's really important and something I have never really talked about with anyone. I hate myself. I am so ugly. I don't deserve to live. I should just die and be gone forever! Everyone would be happier with me gone. No one will miss me… That's what scares me most at night when it's completely dark and I'm swallowed by the darkness. Every time the darkness overwhelms me I don't know if I'll be alive the next day. I am so scared of death. I don't want to die and be forgotten. There is no one I can talk to this about. I don't want to worry Iruka or Gaara and Sakura and Ino aren't close enough to me. All I can do is just try to make everyone happy and hope that they don't figure out how sad I really am. I don't want them to learn of my loneliness. I am going to keep up with this happy façade. I am going to smile and laugh and hide my pain. I hate having to hide it, but I don't want people to worry and get hurt too, because of me. I don't cut myself anymore, but I also don't mind getting hurt. Many bruises cover my skin, so I have started wearing long sleeve shirts and pants all the time. I let the kids at school who hate me beat me up. I love the feeling of the pain, because when I feel the pain I know I'm still alive.

March 12, 2003

I think Gaara is getting suspicious. He keeps giving me odd looks, and asking if anything is wrong. I don't want to tell him though. He'd be so hurt. You see yesterday after school Neiji came up to me and punched me. Then he pulled me into a hug and kissed me. I was so confused, but Neiji said that they had had a fight and Gaara was already cheating on him. I can't believe Gaara would do something like that. Neiji didn't seem like the type to cheat either, especially on his boyfriend's brother! I was so mad! I pushed Neiji away but then he said something. "What you don't want to at least feel kind of loved for once in your life?" I didn't know what to say to him. How did he know? Does everyone already know? I want to find out, and I need to get Neiji and Gaara back together. They were so happy together, but then they fought because Neiji was mad that he kept blowing him off to spend time with me. I feel so guilty, I didn't mean to cause them problems. I didn't know what Gaara was doing, and now I need to solve this somehow. I need to figure out a plan.

_Naruto walked out the back exit of the school that was rarely used. He didn't feel like going home just yet, in fact he didn't really feel like doing much of anything. He looked up when he heard footsteps coming towards him. A pissed off looking Neiji was walking up to him._

_"Nei-agh," Naruto tried to say before the brown haired boy punched him hard in the stomach. He grabbed his abused stomach and doubled over in pain. His breathing came in irregular gasps as he tried to stand._

_Neiji grabbed the blonde and pulled him tightly to his chest. Naruto looked up confused at the sudden change, but before he could say anything lips were crushed against his. The blonde was shocked and tried to struggle loose of the boy's grip but to no avail. Eventually Neiji broke for air and Naruto finally managed to push him away._

_"What do you think your doing? You're going out with Gaara! My brother!"_

_"What you don't want to at least feel kind of loved for once in your life? Besides he's already cheating on me. We broke up."_

_"What?" Naruto said as Neiji walked away cursing under his breathe._

March 13, 2003

I found out whom Gaara decided to cheat on Neiji with. Kakashi Hatake, a senior at Kohona High School. I have to admit that the silver haired guy is hot, but he is a major pervert. I can't believe Gaara is with him. I talked to Neiji and apologized for taking his time that he could spend with Gaara. He also said sorry, because he knew that I had it worse off in life than he did. We are somewhat of friends now.

March 14, 2003

I JUST SAW THEM KISSING! THEY WERE EATING EACH OTHER'S FACES OFF! That was really something I didn't need to see, ever. Although it was kind of hot… I can't believe I just admitted that. I think seeing Gaara and Kakashi kiss has fried my poor brain. I was ready to smack Gaara; he is ruining his chances of getting back together with Neiji! I know he doesn't love Kakashi, but he does love Neiji. Gaara keeps asking about Neiji and spying on us when we hang out at school. Sakura and Ino don't mind him hanging with us, they say they like staring at him, because Neiji is hot. I started laughing when they said that and then they said that they didn't care if he was gay, he was still hot. I hope Gaara and Neiji make up soon.

* * *

Please review! If you make me feel guilty or inspire me I'll write faster and update sooner! 


	3. Chapter 3

Hey everyone! Sorry for the long wait! But I was having some problems which involved lots of crying! Which might effect my writing. No, no one died and no one was seriously injured. My friend and I had a really big fight and I cried so much. So yeah...

Naruto: She was also sad because she got less reviews for the second chapter than the first and it worsened her depression.

Sasuke: She even thought of not continuing this. The reviews are what makes her happy and she got less. You should all be lucky you don't have to listen to her whine and cry. -glaring at Riko-

Riko: I'm sorry! -cries- I am having a hard time right now! -runs away and cries in the corner-

**Tearful Joy! Can you still draw me the Neji Gaara picture? PLEASE? I really want it...**

**Warning: Graphic description of mutalation.**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto!

**Chapter 3**

March 20, 2003

Gaara and Kakashi broke up…

March 21, 2003

I hope Neji and Gaara will get back together now. Every time I look at them I can see the deep sadness in their eyes. They hide it so well that I think I'm the only one that has noticed. They love each other so much, yet they refuse to be together and be happy. I don't understand, but I have never loved someone that way. So I guess I wouldn't be able to know what it's like and what they are doing to each other. I am sad however…for the love they won't let happen so they may be happy again…

March 22, 2003

They still aren't back together. I want Gaara to be happy so badly! But he's not willing to admit he was wrong and go back to Neji! WHY? He has the love of the person he loves! He is so lucky to have that! I have seen so many people not happy, just because the one they love doesn't feel the same. I do want Gaara can't and cry for him…He's too stubborn to cry. So I'll cry and feel the same pain he has. I love my brother and I just want him to smile…like the way he smiled while with Neji. He was so happy…so, so happy. Now he is always sad and faking the same happiness I do. I hate seeing him like this, why does life suck so much. WHY? I hate this. Life is so sad and unfair! I am always asking why and I never get answers! It's always, "why?" Why? Why? Why? Why? And only silence is my answer! WHY? Why do other people get such great lives and others don't? Why are some people rich and some poor? Why are people so sad and others so happy? Why do some love and some hate? Why do people love? Why am I hated? Why don't they love me? Why do I still care what they think? Why am I still so sad? Why do I still wish to be loved? Why does hate exist? Why? Why? Why…?

_Tears slid down the blonde's tan face. His body racking with the sorrow he felt as his hands clenched the journal trying to regain some control over his emotions. He fell backwards and his head hit the pillow. Naruto's grip on the journal went slack and it fell to the floor. The tears came faster as he cried himself into a deep and dreamless sleep._

March 23, 2003

I want to go back to cutting so badly. I even purposely got in a fistfight today so I could have the shit beaten out of me. If felt so good. Feeling that pain coursing through my body. The blood flowing freely from my cuts and the metallic taste of copper as it spilled through my mouth. I want more pain. More! It fucking feels so good! I only can feel alive when I feel so much pain! I feel dead without it. I need the pain. I need it so much. I want more, but I can't cut no matter what. I promised myself I wouldn't give into the temptation. I don't want to see the hurt, worried and disappointed looks Iruka and Gaara give me when they had known I was. I can't. I can't. I can't. I just miss the rush I feel when I mutilate myself. That pain is like no other. Knowing that I could kill myself with just one slice to the neck, or a stab through my heart. I loved knowing I controlled whether I lived or died. But now I don't have that pleasure, because I promised them.

_The blonde boy waited patiently and in excitement of the first blow and was not disappointed at the stingy pain it left. He could already feel the bruise forming on his cheek and smiled slightly to himself. Though this only further pissed off the angry high school gang members. Two of the four there grabbed one of each of Naruto's arms and held them firmly as the other two took turns slamming their fists into the delicate flesh of his stomach. Every hit caused his body to be filled with pleasure and pain. He wanted them to keep hitting him over and over; he never wanted this pain to end. Naruto could feel himself shake with anticipation as one of the guys pulled out a pocketknife. The guy smirked thinking that the blonde was shaking in fear. He gently slid the knife across the delicate flesh of his stomach and Naruto watched as the beautiful crimson blood slowly escaped from the wound and freely flowed creating patterns on his skin. The four men laughed to themselves as the man continued his mutilation of the boy. Slicing the skin and sometimes cutting deep into the flesh. After they had thoroughly damaged the blonde boy they grew bored of him and threw him aside._

_Naruto lay on the ground enjoying the pain still coursing through his veins, he only wished that this pain would last forever. _

_Naruto ran his fingers over the bruises admiring the brilliant shades of purple and black that marred his skin. The cuts bled freely and the blood slid down his arms and legs. The flesh on his stomach was meshed together in a mess of skin, blood and guts, in his mind it was the most magnificent art he had ever seen. His tongue slipped from his mouth and lapped at the blood, enjoying the wonderful copper taste it had. The red liquid was pooling on the ground making beautiful designs. Naruto only left once he felt himself become weak and dizzy after the rush the pain gave him had past._

_His blood-soaked hands pushed him up off the ground and he swayed as he tried to keep his balance. Cursing he leaned against the dirty wall of the alley until his vision was cleared and he could focus on his surroundings. Naruto slowly made his way back home, only walking through alleys and abandoned streets, making sure no one saw him._

_When he arrived at his home he was flooded with relief, Iruka's car wasn't there and Gaara's bike was gone, meaning no one was home. Once inside he slid off his shoes and walked to the downstairs bathroom being careful not to let blood get on the floor and stain the white carpet. The bathroom was all white, except the black towels that Naruto had specifically requested telling Iruka it would hide any stains from cleaning better, but meaning any blood he would have to wipe off. He started the water and while he waited for the tub to fill soaked two towels in the sink and wiped the blood from his skin. The only area he avoided was his stomach; it would be harder to clean and would do it after he had wrapped the rest of his body up. Turning off the faucet, he gently climbed into the tub making sure his stomach didn't get too wet and cause the water to turn red faster. Naruto sighed as the water quickly took on an orange hue from the other wounds on his body that were still bleeding. He scrubbed his skin softly, making sure not to worsen his wounds and washed all the dirt, grime and blood off of himself. The blonde then got out of the tub and drained the water before beginning to wrap his cuts. Naruto growled when he found that they were out of Neosporin and was going to have to use iodine. With his teeth clenched Naruto hissed in pain as he applied the iodine, the stinging pain was not what he enjoyed. After carefully wrapping up each cut he looked down at the state his stomach was in. He bit his lip in thought and tried to think of who he knew that would be willing to help him with it, but keep it a secret. He slipped on the spare boxers and shorts he kept in the cupboard below the sink as he thought. One name came to mind and he sighed as he walked into the living room and picked up the phone._

"_Hello?" The person answered on the third ring._

"_Hey Sakura, it's me Naruto."_

"_Oh hi Naruto!" Sakura said happily._

"_Umm, I need your help, but you can't tell anyone, okay?"_

"_I won't, but what's wrong? Are you okay? Did someone say something? Do you need me or Ino to beat someone up for you?" Sakura said quickly into the phone, her voice filled with worry._

"_I got in a fight and I need some help with a nasty wound I got. If you want you can invite Ino too if you think you'll need help."_

"_Sure I'll get Ino on my way to your house, see you in about fifteen minutes. Okay?"_

"_Okay, bye."_

"_Bye."_

_Naruto placed the phone back in its cradle and walked to his room to grab his journal and write what had happened that day before Sakura and Ino showed up. Picking up his journal he began to flip to the last page he had been writing on when he saw a page from when he had still cut himself. He looked at the dried blood and remembered the pain he had loved to feel when he slid the razor or knife across his arm, leg, or stomach. He had loved that pain so much; he enjoyed the self-mutilation he did. Naruto liked being able to control the pain. He began to write and twelve minutes later loud knocking was heard and he quickly finished what he was writing and ran downstairs to let Sakura and Ino in._

_He opened the door and was immediately greeted with shrieks._

"_Naruto are you okay? Oh my gawd! Your stomach!" Sakura screamed._

"_What the hell happened to you!" Ino yelled as she saw the wound._

"_You guys be quiet!" Naruto hissed. "It's supposed to be a secret!"_

"_Oh yeah sorry, but are you okay?" Sakura questioned her face filled with worry._

"_Let's go bandage you up right now," Ino said, dragging them both into the bathroom._

"_Naruto, you are so lucky me and Ino have nurses as mom's and volunteer at the hospital," Sakura said as she took out the supplies they would need to stick his skin and flesh back together. Ino finished washing her hands and then put her medical gloves on as Sakura handed her the sutures._

_"We are going to use dissolving stitches so you won't have to worry about them being removed," Ino said beginning._

_Ino was very experienced in this and finished closing the large wound and Sakura, also wearing gloves, applied Neosporin to his stomach and wrapped it in white medical tape._

"_Thanks you guys, I wouldn't have been able to fix this one myself," Naruto said._

"_It was no problem," Ino said. "I just wish you wouldn't get into so many fights." She sighed and gently hugged the blonde boy. "Promise me that you won't let it ever get this bad again."_

_Naruto looked down and Sakura and Ino frowned._

"_We worry about you Naruto, and it hurts us to see you like this. So please, please promise us you won't let it get this bad again."_

"_I… I promise…" Naruto said so quiet they barely heard him. Sakura and Ino smiled before the three began cleaning the bathroom until no evidence of blood was found._

March 25, 2003

It's been two days since I promised then, and I haven't gotten into a fight. I feel guilty. They care about me so much, but I don't know. I mean I love the pain, but I hate seeing them look at me with those eyes. Those eyes look so hurt and worried. I hate the disappointment I see in them. I don't want them to look at me like that ever again. But to do that, I can't fight anymore, or, well, not get as injured. I just hope I can keep their promise…

Sasuke set the journal down and felt numb. He felt nothing. He had no idea how to comprehend what this boy was going through. He could understand the loneliness and the emotional pain of losing someone, but not his love for physical pain. It was so unbelievable to him, why someone would enjoy pain. Sasuke feared the pain; he feared death. Sasuke hated sleeping because he didn't know if that night might be the last time he was alive. He sometimes wished he wasn't alive or had never been born, but this was only when he fell into depression. He tried to block out all feelings and not to care, but it was so hard. The only connection he felt to another human being, since his family was killed, was Naruto.

A stranger he had never met, but understood for the most part. They shared so much, the loneliness, the hurt, the suffering, and the torture of living the life that they had. Not knowing what being in love was, but understanding what it is. They both wanted the loneliness to be gone, but they didn't know how to fill the void.

Naruto was constantly in Sasuke's thoughts. He could imagine the boy in his head, but for some reason not be able to describe what he looked like. His dreams now were of the blonde boy, but he couldn't remember what had happened in them. It was like Naruto was so close that he could almost touch him, but Naruto wasn't there; he had no idea where he was. He wanted to meet this boy he felt so connected to.

This thought had shocked Sasuke. He wanted to actually be around another person. What had happened to him wanting to be in solitude so he would never be hurt? Why did he want to meet this boy? Why did he care for someone he never met? What were these feelings he couldn't explain?

Confusion filled the younger Uchiha. He hadn't ever felt this way before, this feeling he just didn't understand it. He wasn't sure he liked what he felt. Naruto was getting too close; he was beginning to care too much.

Sasuke threw the journal at the wall and stood dressing quickly in some nice jeans and a black silk dress shirt. He quickly ran down the steps mentally arguing with him self. He had a bad feeling that whatever this emotion in him was, just might be love. Sasuke cursed as he hastily put on his shoes and threw on his jacket before racing out of his home and getting in his car. He stepped on the gas and sped down the road, not caring if he was breaking any laws.

Soon the mental asylum was in sight and he smirked to himself. Going a little faster he made a sharp turn into the parking lot, his wheels screeched at the friction and sheer force of the turn. Though Sasuke being the perfectionist he was had no problems and soon parked and began briskly walking to the entrance.

Once inside he completely ignored the person at the desk and went right to Itachi's room. Without knocking he entered and looked to see that Itachi was sleeping.

_He doesn't look like a murder when he's asleep, but as they say looks can be deceiving. Very deceiving,_ Sasuke thought darkly and glared slightly at his older brother.

"Itachi," Sasuke said pushing his shoulder.

"Ngh," Itachi made a noise in protest and pushed the offending hand away rolling over facing away from Sasuke. Frustration and impatience filled the younger Uchiha as he gently tried to prod his brother from his unconscious state. When that didn't work, however, he shoved his brother off the bed onto the concrete floor. "Ouch! What was that for?" Itachi said threateningly before looking up to see his brother and stopping shocked. "I didn't think you'd visit so soon, Sasuke. Did you miss me?" Itachi said smirking.

"No I didn't miss you, no one does. In fact if you died today, no one would care. The world would be better off without you. I would be better off without you. I don't need you, or want you to be part of my life again. I just came to ask one last thing of you brother, and this is at least what I deserve. For nothing you will ever do will make up for what you have done. Your death will not atone for my family's death. You owe me so much, more than you can ever give. Because there is no price for the people you love…" By this time Sasuke's head was tilted towards the ground and his long black bangs had fallen hiding his beautiful face.

"Sasuke…" Itachi said breathlessly with a sigh. "I know you've always wanted to hear me admit it so I will." A small sad smile appeared on Itachi's lips and he breathed in deeply before continuing. "I, Itachi Uchiha, your older brother, murdered our entire family." Streams of water began to leak from his eyes as Itachi laughed at himself. "I am such an idiot. I was so blinded by my feelings, that I was willing to lose it all just for you…" Itachi, who had been standing, fell to his knees. His hands hit the ground to hold him steady as he began to sob. Sasuke watched this with no emotion on his face. He hated the man before him, but loved who he had once been. Sasuke missed his brother and wished that this killer before him would die, so that his brother could finally rest in peace. One memory forever stayed in his mind. The memory of his brother holding him and promising him happiness…

_A young Sasuke sat on the swing of the park, gently rocking back and forth. Everyone was too busy to play with him. He was sulking like he always did when he didn't get what he wanted. He kicked a rock that was on the ground and blinked when the rock was kicked back. He looked up and his frown turned into a large smile as Itachi walked over to him._

_"Aniki!" Sasuke said running up to his brother._

_"Hello Sasuke," Itachi said smiling at his little brother and lifting him into his arms._

_"Will you play with me?" Sasuke asked. He looked up at his brother with eyes full of hope._

_"I guess I can for a little while," Itachi sighed as he set Sasuke down. Sasuke happily jumped up and down very happy that he now had a playmate. "What are we playing?"_

_"Hide and seek!" Sasuke said happily. "You're it! I hide first!"_

_"Okay, okay," Itachi, said smiling down at his hyper little brother. "I'll be it, but you better find a good hiding spot, because I am the best seeker there is!" He said increasing the dramatic effect that a simple game had for a child._

_"You'll never find me! I'm the best hider!" Sasuke said as smugly as a little boy could._

_"Oh really?" Itachi said in mock disbelief raising one eyebrow._

_"Yes I am!" Sasuke said crossing his arms over his chest and in a huff looked away._

_"Ah, I'm sorry did I hurt the great hider's pride?" Itachi said trying very hard not to laugh as he pretended to be genuinely sorry. Sasuke looked over at his brother inspecting his face to see if he was lying._

_"Okay, the great Sasuke Uchiha will forgive you, but only this once."_

_Itachi laughed at his little brother's attitude and superior tone he had used._

_"I am so glad you forgive me, your greatness," Itachi said bowing gracefully to the 'great' Sasuke. Sasuke giggled then as all children do, decided he was bored of talking and wanted to play._

_"I want to play now! Come on!" Sasuke said tugging Itachi over to a tree. "You stay here with your eyes closed and count to one hundred, and no peeking! Because that is cheating and cheating is bad!" Sasuke said lecturing his older brother as Itachi smiled and listened, amused at his brother. Sasuke thought he was all grown up and could do what he called 'big kid things'. This including getting himself dressed, making his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich, watching pg-13 movies, and of course staying up late._

_"What are the boundaries?" Itachi asked and waited as Sasuke went deep into thought to figure them out himself._

_"The whole house!" Sasuke said finally finding an answer._

_"Okay, I'm going to start counting now," Itachi said facing the tree and closing his eyes. "One…two…three…four…"_

_Sasuke quickly ran into the house and went to the secret hiding spot he had found earlier that day while searching for someone to play with. The old library was a place that no one ever went unless they wanted to be alone. The tall shelves filled with books were covered in dust and the whole room was musty. The wooden floor was in good condition but was slightly worn due to the many feet that had walked upon it._

_Sasuke went into the very back of the library and opened the small door that was there. This door just led to a very small and dark storage closet. Sasuke walked in and shut the door behind him and didn't notice the tiny click that was admitted from the lock. Sasuke happily sat down knowing that there was no way Itachi was going to find him. Well, he knew Itachi was going to eventually, he wouldn't like this game so much if he didn't. Sasuke liked his brother finding him, because it was like Itachi always knew where he was and could find him no matter what. That thought made him feel so safe and he tiredly leaned against the wall of the small space. He was content with the thought of his brother finding him and praising him on his excellent hiding skills and fell into a light doze, without a worry in the world. For Sasuke didn't know that the door only opened from the outside._

_Itachi reached one hundred and began his search. He knew he could find Sasuke and there was only one reason why, because Sasuke would never hide in the same room twice. If he was caught in one room he would never hide in it again. So Itachi searched every room in the house that Sasuke hadn't hidden in, but there was no sign of the boy. Panic slowly clenched in his chest as he then searched every room in the house finding no sign of his little brother. Eyes wide and in a cold sweat Itachi, for the first time in his life, experienced the fear of losing someone. His search became frantic and he began yelling for Sasuke, saying the game was over and he gave up. All his efforts were in vain as the oblivious child slept on._

_Two hours after the game had begun Sasuke finally awoke and was frightened to find that it had gotten so late. The old clock that was on the wall read five pm. Worry and pain filled Sasuke as tears streamed down his face. He lightly sobbed as he shook his head in denial._

_"He…he forgot me…" Sasuke began softly. "H-he always c-came for me b-before." The sobs racked through his body as he shook in fear. He felt abandoned. On weak legs he stood and walked unsteadily to the door and pulled on the knob. Time seemed to stop for a second, as the knob didn't budge. Realizing it was locked, his eyes widened in fear and shock and he began to shake. He frantically began pulling and pushing at the door, hoping that by some chance it might open and he'd be free. The tears fell faster as he weakly continued pulling on the doorknob._

_"No…no…no…no…no," Sasuke repeated as if it were a mantra. He wiped at his eyes with the back of his hands and sniffed from the stuffed nose he was getting from all the crying he had done. "Itachi!" He yelled, hoping that somehow his brother would hear him. He began banging his fists on the door and screaming Itachi's name. "Itachi! Itachi! Itachi!"_

_Itachi was racing down one of the halls when he heard what sounded like a muffled scream coming from the old library. He ran into the library and stopped listening carefully to where the sound was coming from. Hearing it coming from the back of the room he ran down the long isle until he reached the back wall. Now he could here the voice much clearer and the banging accompanying it. The voice was definitely Sasuke's. He opened the door that his brother's screams were coming from and a Sasuke fell out onto the ground still sobbing and screaming Itachi's name._

_"Itachi! Itachi! Itachi agh..." He managed before falling into a coughing fit. Itachi lifted his brother into a tight hug and held him close trying to calm the boy._

_"It's okay I'm here now. I'm here. I won't leave you alone. You're okay. You're okay," Itachi whispered in the boy's ear and kissed him on the forehead._

_"Aniki?" Sasuke's tear-stained face looked up sadly at Itachi. His voice sounded raw and hoarse as he continued. "Y-You came f-for me…?"_

_Itachi's heart almost broke at the sight his brother was. He hugged Sasuke closer to him and made a promise to the little boy._

_"I will always come for you Sasuke. You won't ever be alone again. I won't let you have to be by yourself. I love you Sasuke."_

That day Itachi had made a promise that he didn't keep and realized the forbidden love that could never be. Sasuke felt himself frown at the memory and feel ashamed that he still deep down cared for the man before him. He cleared his thoughts and then got to the point to why he was there.

"Itachi, I would like you to tell me what it feels like to be in love with someone." Surprise appeared on his brother's face.

"O-okay. Well, when you are in love with someone, you always want to see them happy. If they are happy you are happy too. When they are crying or upset you want to hold them and tell them it will all be ok. When they are mad you want to make their anger vanish. You are always thinking about them and just the thought of them instantly makes you feel happier. You have no control over how much you care and you do crazy things just to see them or to be with them. When you are with them you never want to them to leave you for a second and when you hold them you never want to let go and when they say they love you, you never want to see them go…" Itachi's voice faded as he finished his sentence.

"Do you always think of them? Do they seem to haunt you?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes, they are always on your mind and I guess in a way it's like they are haunting you."

"Do you wish that they could feel the same…?" Sasuke asked hesitantly.

"Everyday…" Came Itachi's answer. Sasuke paused, it seemed he was going to say something before he left the room and walked quickly back to his car. He got in and quickly began speeding back to his home. For he had a journal to finish, before he began his search for a certain blonde. Yes, the anti-social Sasuke Uchiha was going to seek out another human being. His reason for this was simple. Sasuke Uchiha had realized that he had fallen in love with Naruto Uzumaki.

* * *

**Please Review! Or I'll stop writing the story because I will no longer be inspired to write. Well maybe I will keep writing it, but I really like reviews too!**


	4. Chapter 4

Riko: Wow, I got this done very quickly. It was done this morning but I had it beat'ed. Thank you so much for your reviews! See look they made me write this chapter so quickly!

Sasuke: I can't believe it worked...

Naruto: I'm hungry! Can I have some ramen?

Riko: Sure! -glad Naruto doesn't know what happens this chapter-

Naruto: Yay!

Sasuke: You should tell him...

Riko: No! Shut up Sasuke! No one likes you! Go away!

Sasuke: OO...

Naruto: I like you Sasuke! -hugs Sasuke-

Riko: I was just kidding... I want a hug too!

Itachi: I'll hug you! -hugs Riko-

Riko: ...Okay... You can let go now... Itachi... LET GO! -shoves Itachi away- Sasuke is way too loved... Just because he's prettier than me... -sighs-

**Warning: Violence and character death. Yeah I killed someone off...**

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, Sasuke does.

**Chapter 4**

Once Sasuke had arrived home he read through the whole night managing to finish almost the whole journal. Only a few entries had really stuck in his mind, the ones where Naruto was really happy and the ones when Naruto was very sad. His heart ached every time he read one of the sad entries; life was so cruel to his blonde angel.

December 25, 2003 

Today, I was really happy, truly happy. I don't know why though exactly. Maybe it was because I had a family I could share Christmas with, or that I wasn't lonely all day long. I don't really care about the presents, I mean I like them, but they aren't what matter to me. Just being with my family is what I'm glad for. Sakura and Ino came and gave me their gifts to me too. Together they had made a scrapbook of all the stuff we had done together. There even was that embarrassing photo of when they dared me to dress like a girl. They also had a picture of when I had that really bad wound on my stomach; I didn't have anything that bad after I had made that promise to them. I have been looking through the book all day, and even though Gaara is out with Neji and Iruka is on a date, I don't feel alone. I think it's because I know that my family is always with me.

December 27, 2003

I have been so happy these last two days that I have forgotten about someone close to me…how could I forget Haku! I mean I haven't thought of him in days. It's like he is slowly fading away. Like a dream, he is becoming vague and slowly forgotten. We haven't talked much since he went to America. I know he thinks of me though; he always is sending me long letters. When I reply though mine are very short, for every time I pick up my pen, I don't know what to write. Haku has changed so much and grown into such a wonderful person. But I haven't changed; I have stayed the same, like a flower in the dark, never to bloom. Even Gaara has changed; he smiles more often now and is kinder. Neji's love has changed him I guess, but other people can't change you. You have to want to change. I know this because so many people have tried to change me, but I refuse to. I hate change! I know I have to deal with it sometimes but I don't like to. I hated moving from foster home to foster home. I hated every year I grew older. I hated every visit to my parents' graves. I hate the fact that I hate. It seems as if I hate everything, but I don't. I mean, so many people hate me, and I am so angry with myself! I hate myself! So many times I wish I had never been born. I was so happy a second ago and now it's all gone. It's been replaced with hate! Yes, hate! Oh how I hate! Hate! HATE! HATE! Why do we feel? Life only hurts! Why must I constantly go through this constant roller coaster of happiness and sadness? Love and hate? Calm and anger? Life and death? Why? Why! WHY? I am always asking myself that! But as I have said so many times before! It solves nothing! So then I think **WHY **do I even bother? Again why comes into play and I have no answer to that either! I hate this. I hate feeling and I hate caring. I wish I couldn't love or hate! I wish I couldn't fell sadness or pain! I wish I didn't have to live! I wish I could die and be in peace! I wish I hadn't promised so many, so many promises I want to break! Happiness is a lie! A lie I always have to live! Does no one see how sad I am? Do they just ignore it? Do they! Why will no one tell me? Does anyone out there even care what the fuck happens to me! Why do I even bother? No one will ever love me! It's all a lie! Life is a lie! A big lie that gets bigger and bigger! I mean look at the world we live in! The world has become so superficial and greedy! No one really gives a fuck what happens to the rain forests! They are all fucking downtown living it up! Driving around in fancy cars and spending cash left and right! If they really cared about it they wouldn't be doing that! Those hypocritical assholes say they care and donate money, but they just want to make themselves look good! Every single fucking day I wish the whole fucking human race would die! What do we contribute? Nothing! We only take and take! Does no one notice what we have done? Have they not seen the apartment buildings and houses springing up! Did they not notice the forests being cleared? Do they not see the poor and homeless people begging on the street, while they spend thousands of dollars on the latest technological thing? Who needs televisions in every room? Children do not need cell phones! Who the hell is a fucking little ten year-old going to call? Why do they need to have their own computer or laptop too? Do they really need an MP3 player or ipod? Why do parents let them watch rated R movies and buy them such violent games? I go to the fucking elementary school and I see kids there acting like they are all gangster and shit! Those little idiots are going to end up landing their asses in jail for doing something stupid! The world is so fucked up! We are killing ourselves! We are our own Achilles heels. I don't know how this turned into a rant but it has! So I am going to vent! I hate the world! Why you may ask? Did you fucking read the reasons above? Did you? Huh? Or are you going to ignore what I have said and pretend the world is perfect still? I don't care! Do what you want! It's your own life and no one can live it for you but yourself. So go ahead and go to McDonalds, eat away! Then later when you have a fucking heart attack, just know it was fucking McDonalds that killed you! Closing up your arteries with all that fat they have in their food! It's like suicide! Slowly eating your self to death! How does that sound? Does that sound good to you! Does it? Did you know that the number one cause of death is heart disease? Did you? Did you fucking know! Have you seen what people feed their kids? Have you? Have you watched them buy their kids so much junk food to keep them from getting hungry while they are gone all day leaving their kids at home? They aren't going to make them exercise! No way! They don't do it themselves; they don't want to be hypocrites! But no, it's okay that they are slowly killing their kids! Then there are the people that never eat! They are anorexic and bulimic! Walking skeletons that are barely alive! Their bones so fragile! Starving themselves because they want to be thin! Do they not realize that there is such a thing as too thin? That no one wants to date a skeleton? Who would want to love a thing that was almost dead? Would you kiss an animal with rotting flesh that wasn't dead but just barely living? No right? Then why do so many people starve themselves purposefully, while people in other countries starve because there is no food! Why are we so greedy? People don't seem to care about anyone but themselves anymore! They would rather have someone else plant their garden and take care of it. They would rather have a stranger clean their home. Do drugs, drink, and smoke, instead of take care of their kids and have a job. Does love even really exist? Or is it all lust? People are so fake now! The world is a lie! Life is a big fucking lie!

January 1, 2004

Sorry about my last entry. I was just very angry, but I do hate those things about the world. Whoever is reading this…will you remember me? Or will you forget me? I don't want to be alone anymore and I feel that you might be the only one that will understand me. I know that you won't even read this for maybe a day after I put it in the library or maybe ten years. I just want to be remembered and understood. Or is that too much too ask?

February 28, 2004

Iruka…he is in the hospital. He was in a car accident. I…I don't feel anything, it's like I am completely numb. What is wrong with me? I should be in hysterics and crying my eyes out! Why aren't I? Why?

March 1, 2004

I finally started crying, the doctors said I was probably just in shock and denial that this had happened. I haven't stopped crying for about three days. I never knew I could cry this much. I cry myself to sleep and when I awake in the morning it all comes back to me and I start crying again. I hate this! Why does life hate me so much? Does anyone else have it this bad? Do they! DO THEY? If there is a god, he is cruel! Why should my life be like this? What did I do? Is it because I am a monster? Is it? Am I so disgusting that no one can love me? Do you despise me so much the very thought of me makes you sick? Do you hate me!

March 3, 2004

Nothing has changed he's still in a coma. Why won't he wake up? Why? I don't want to have any other dad. Iruka is my father! My only father, that sick man who murdered people and enjoyed it! He even recorded it! When the police had raided the house, even though I am too young to remember this, they found hundreds of tapes. They killed so many; I don't want to be like him. He is not my father! He is just the man who existed to make my birth happen. He isn't the one who always comforted me when I was sad. He wasn't the one who cared! He wasn't the one who loved me! Iruka loved me! Iruka comforted me! Iruka cares! Why? Why? Why? Why are you taking everything I love away? Why? Who are you and why do you hate me so much?

March 7, 2004

I am slowly losing hope. What if he never wakes up? Gaara and I have gotten jobs and Neji is helping as much as he can. Sakura and Ino are also trying to help. Their moms' take care of Iruka even on their days off and put some of their paycheck in to help pay for the bills. I just wish life didn't have to be this hard. Why can't anything in life be easy? I just want to live. Not have to worry every second and feel so lonely. I want to be able to relax and actually breathe. When will my life get happier? Or will it only get worse…

March 15, 2004

The doctors told me that the longer he is in the coma the less likely he wakes up. I am so scared! It's like Iruka is already gone! What will I do without him? How can I live with another person leaving me? First Haku and now Iruka! Why, why me? Why does the world hate me so much? What did I do? What did Iruka do? Nothing! He has only given and given! He loved me for me! Or is that why he is being punished? Is it because he loves a thing like me? Heh, he cared for a monster and now he is paying the price with his life. Oh how life hates me. I am wondering if living is worth it anymore? 

March 18, 2004

I just realized that if Iruka dies not only will I suffer, but Gaara as well. How could I be so selfish to forget my own brother? HOW? Am I that selfish? I hate myself so much! I am so stupid! I can't do anything right! What is wrong with me! Am I even human? No…I am a monster. A bloodthirsty monster that wants everything dead! Hate me! HATE ME! Kill me! KILL ME! I want to die! I don't deserve to live! I never deserved life! I should have never been born! What is my reason for living…absolutely nothing?

March 23, 2004

Iruka is still in a coma. The doctors don't think he will ever wake up I am almost hopeless. I want my father. I love my father! I love Iruka he is some of the only family I have! Haku already left me! Gaara will leave soon enough! He wants to be with Neji! I know he still loves me and I will always be his brother, but now I am second best in his eyes. Like I was with Haku, Zabuza was better. Without Iruka I will have no one…

April 1, 2004

As a sick joke, a girl who works as an office assistant told me the hospital called and Iruka had awakened. I had run to the hospital only to find that Iruka was dead. There was nothing they could have done. His injuries weren't healing and he had already been so weak. The scariest thing was though, when I had heard that Iruka was dead and the girl had lied, I wanted to kill her. I mean literally, I had even imagined it in my head. Her screams as I slowly tortured her to a painful death. I feel so numb. I haven't eaten in two weeks and I don't care. I don't want to live and now I have lost hope. Can I die? Will someone kill me?

April 10, 2004

Gaara found I was starving myself and is now force-feeding me. Neji's father is our new foster father. He is letting us stay in Iruka's house; I mean what used to be Iruka's house. Neji's father had bought it after Iruka's death. The funeral is in a week. They asked me if I wanted to say anything at the funeral and I do. It's not a lot but maybe it will get my point across.

April 16, 2004

I feel so sick every time I eat. The nauseous feeling is so disgusting and I'd rather starve than have to feel it. Tomorrow is the funeral and they are finally going to know. They might hate me for this but I don't care. I have to say this. There is no other way I have the remote chance of feeling again. I haven't smiled since Iruka died nor laughed. I haven't even cried or yelled. I've just been numb and emotionless. Sakura and Ino are so scared and worried about me. They hate seeing me like this, but I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. I have no reason to care…

April 17, 2004

I did it. I said what I have always wanted to say. This is what I told them.

All of you here probably think I am going to talk about my father, Iruka, but I am not. There is something I need to tell you all, that I will never be able to tell him now that he is gone. I, Naruto Uzumaki, hate myself. I know I am a monster you treat me like one every single day. I don't forget what I am; I just try to ignore it so I can be semi-happy. The smiles you see are all fake! I have never once smiled a true smile at anyone other then my close friends and close family. I am so unhappy I just want to die. Does this make you people happy? If so, can you just leave me alone to die in peace? You have completed your goal. I want to die and once I do, I will never bother any of you again…

That is what I said and I am so happy I did. It's like a weight lifted from my shoulders. I don't know what I am going to do now though. I mean that is basically telling them to come kill me and I won't put up a fight. Sakura, Ino, Neji, and Gaara all looked so sad. It's like I disappointed them again. I always seem to disappoint them. If I were dead I would never disappoint them again. But I can't kill myself it's a promise to them I made. I wish I could break it though…

April 24, 2004

School. I am finally doing well in school. I have nothing else to do. I just study, eat and sleep. My teachers are impressed. I even feel like I am learning more. Maybe I finally understand things. It don't need a reason to live, I just live. If I am never sad I can never be happy and if I never hate then I can never love. I have been going to the Uchiha library very often now. I am always there now, I don't know who owns it now, but I had once met the owner himself, and it was the day before he was murdered… He had told me that a journal is like a free place to say whatever you want without having to worry about what others think. He said it made things easier to understand when he wrote them down. We had talked the whole day and he had told me a lot about his sons, Itachi and Sasuke.

Time stopped for Sasuke as he read that last line. Naruto already knew who he was. Well who he had been as a child, but still at least Naruto knew something of him. Though that means that Naruto was the last person to speak to his father before the fire. Sasuke shook his head he needed to finish reading. He could think of what this means later.

The way he talked about them you could tell he cared deeply about them. He said that if I wanted I could come over and meet them the next day. I had gone to the mansion only do find it burning. Two kids, one around my age and an older one, were outside. The younger one was crying, but I remember how beautiful he was. I remember hating to see his face in tears. I wanted to hug him, but he would have probably just pushed me away. The older one also was crying and laughing. It wasn't a happy laugh either; it was more of mocking laughter. When the younger one blacked out I had ran over to see if he was okay and the older one said something. Something that scared and touched me at the same time. "I loved you so much Sasuke, but I have ruined everything. What has love done to me? Why did I have to fall in love with you? Why did I have to ruin your chance at happiness because I could never have my happiness? I am so sorry Sasuke." That is when he fainted too. The fire department, police, and ambulances showed up a couple minutes later. I had been holding Sasuke and they made me let him go. The police grabbed me and questioned me, though once the older one attacked the police officer they knew I definitely was not a suspect anymore and took him away. I assume he must have been Itachi, because Sasuke said something as the police carried him away. "Ita… No, you are no longer my brother…" The police also made me leave before I could even say anything to Sasuke. I wanted to say something, anything to see the tears stop. But I couldn't do anything. I felt so weak at that moment in my life. I don't even know why I am remembering this now. I think I know why I have never fallen in love, because I have been in love with Sasuke since I first saw him. I know it sounds cheesy like love at first sight, but you didn't see his eyes. Those deep beautiful black eyes, they held such pain and sadness. The looked like mine… I knew even as a child that he would be the only one who could ever understand me. I knew he could be the only one I ever loved…

The journal fell to the floor as Sasuke's hands went slack. Naruto, his Naruto, loved him. The Uchiha felt his lips twitch up into a sad smile. He had been alone all his life for no reason. He could have been with Naruto, a person who loved and understood him. But life was cruel and he and Naruto knew this all too well. He had had a chance at happiness long ago, and he wondered if maybe, just maybe he could have another chance. Picking up the fallen journal he continued to read, but the next several months of entries said nothing but what was happening in school. Each only a couple sentences long. He quickly read through them. Not any of them said anything important until it was December again.

December 1, 2004

Turns out I have an uncle. He couldn't have me before because he was in jail, but now he can legally take care of me. I have to lose Gaara before I was supposed to. How ironic is this? Kyuubi my uncle, he was put into jail for child abuse. Now they are letting him take care of me. Though it's not for that long, because as soon as I turn 18 I am moving out. I have also decided since there are only a few pages left in this journal that I shall end it on December 27 just like the day I started it.

December 10, 2004

Kyuubi abused me only two days after I moved to live with him. I called the police after he beat me with a chair. There are so many bruises on my body it's not even funny. I enjoyed the pain though. I finally felt something. I wasn't stoic and emotionless like I have been since Iruka died. I was moved back into Neji's uncle's care. Gaara was so glad to see me; he hugged me and wouldn't let go. He was pissed when he saw all the bruises. Now he won't let me out of his sight. But I guess I am happy that he is paying so much attention to me. I missed him. I missed my brother. Gaara and I had grown apart when he started dating Neji. We didn't only have each other anymore. Other people had started to care about us, so he had started to care about others too. I guess it was selfish of me to think he would be close to anyone but me.

December 25, 2004

I will miss writing in this journal. It was my only place to say what I truly feel and I knew that someday I would have to stop writing in it, but it feels to soon for this to end. I hope whoever finds this now understands what it feels like and knows how horrible life really is. I don't want anyone to ever have to go through what I have had to go through. My life has been so sad and the one person I have fallen in love with has disappeared from society. I wanted to find Sasuke so many times, but I was too afraid. I mean what would he think if a stranger like me walked up to him and said 'I love you Sasuke' I'd be like all those other fan girls. I see his face everywhere though, I mean he is so popular and everyone loves him. I wish I could be like him. But I can't because I am a monster who must be hated and he is a god that must be loved. Or at least that is how I see it. I never mentioned my love for him before, because I don't think I had realized I loved him. I had always known I guess just not understood it or wanted to admit I loved someone. I guess it's because I didn't want to know that I loved someone I could never have. I just hope that one day before I die, I can finally find Sasuke and tell him how I feel. I just want him to know, that's all I want. Well all I want is to be remembered and admit my love to him. Is that really a lot to ask for? Probably since just being happy is too much to ask for. Sometimes I wonder though, who are you? I'm talking about you the person reading my journal. I know you can't be reading it now as I'm writing it, but I mean I wonder who you are. I hope you are a good person who won't just read this then throw it away and forget about it. Do you know what would be way too funny and totally impossible? Is if Sasuke was the one reading this! Like that will ever happen, but it would be so much easier for me that way. Too bad I'm not going to keep my journal. I'm going to put it in the library where Fugaku Uchiha kept his. So maybe someone will find my journal like I had found his. He of course had taken his journal home that night and died, I just hope the same thing doesn't happen to me.

December 27, 2004

Thank you. Thank you for reading this. Whoever you are doesn't matter only that you read it. I know can rest easy knowing that someone will know the truth about me, and I mean the complete truth. I wish I could meet you, but maybe that isn't a good idea. I wouldn't know what to say, but I would be happy to meet you. I just wanted to say thank you to you before I had to say this. Goodbye.

Goodbye. That struck the Uchiha. He didn't want this to be goodbye. Sasuke closed the journal and lay back down in his bed that he had been sitting on. He sighed and then smiled. Naruto loved him. The boy he loved felt the same. Sasuke couldn't help but feel immense joy at knowing this. If he wasn't so unused to being happy he probably would have done more than just smile. Sasuke couldn't wait to meet his blonde angel and as he thought about it Naruto had completed both things he had wanted to in life. He would be remembered, by Sasuke, even though he didn't know it yet, and he had already admitted his love, but he didn't know that either. Still smiling Sasuke went downstairs to make a call to the city, to request a search for Naruto Uzumaki.

Sasuke awoke to his cell phone ringing and quickly answered.

"Hello?"

"Hello, Uchiha-san this is Murakami from the search station. We have found Naruto Uzumaki, but we regret to inform you that Uzumaki-san is now deceased. He died a couple months ago, we are very sorry we can give you the address of the graveyard he is in though."

Sasuke wrote down the address still in shock and denial that Naruto could be dead. He ran to his car and drove way over the speed limit and found the graveyard quickly. He got out of his car and slamming the door shut ran throughout the cemetery searching for the grave. His heart seemed to stop for a moment when he saw the words "Naruto Uzumaki" on the headstone before him.

Sasuke's legs lost all strength, as well as the rest of his body, and he fell to his knees. Gasping for air and trying to regain his thoughts he reached a shaky hand out to touch the stone. It was ice cold. He pulled his hand back quickly and held it as if it stung. Sasuke felt the first tears slide down his face. His whole body shook as it was racked with the force of the sobs. He was not the man Sasuke Uchiha; he was the little boy he had once been. Looking up, his vision blurred he hugged the headstone. This was the closet he would ever get to holding the boy in his arms. The cold seeped through his clothes and made his body begin to freeze, but it didn't matter to him. The one thing he had wanted since his family's death had been taken from him. Naruto, that was all he had wanted. He wanted Naruto. He wanted to hold Naruto. Kiss Naruto. Love Naruto. Sasuke now had no reason to live again. He couldn't take this again. He didn't want this pain. He refused to have to have this pain in his life again.

Wiping away his tears with the back of his hand he saw a glass vase filled with flowers next to the grave. Pulling out the flowers and pouring out the water he smashed the vase. Picking up a large piece of the glass he stared at it before he decided that he was sure he wanted to do this.

The glass was slid to slice open the Uchiha's neck. Blood instantly poured from the wound. Sasuke could feel himself fading fast and one last tear was shed before he fell limply to the ground. Like a beautiful doll he lay broken on the floor. The black of his hair, eyes, and clothes and the white of his skin helped his crimson blood stand out against him. In his other hand that was not holding the glass was nothing other than, the journal.

That was when Sasuke woke up from his nightmare.

Now Sasuke was questioning everything. He didn't know if he wanted to know anymore. Was finding out that all he had left was dead worth the risk? Did he want his beautiful dream to crash down and only be left with the cruel reality he wanted so badly to deny? Sasuke was so upset and insane at the moment. He had trashed his room. Pillows lay in different parts of the room and the sheets were lying rumpled in the corner. His papers lay everywhere. He clawed at his hair and paced the room kicking books and tossing things aside. What was he supposed to do? Did he want to know? He couldn't decide. Picking up the journal that had started it all he threw it against the wall and something fell out of it. Sasuke stopped his destruction of the room and walked slowly over to the abused book. Picking it and the paper, no photograph that had fallen he stopped. He turned the picture over and froze. In the picture was Naruto, with all his family and his friends. Iruka stood in the back, smiling largely and looking so proud. Gaara stood in front of him with a small smile on his face, and whom Sasuke assumed was Neji, stood next to him with his arms wrapped around the red head. Sakura and Ino looked like they had been laughing while the picture had been taken had their arms thrown around a certain blonde boy. One thought ran through Sasuke's head. Perfect. That is what Naruto was he was perfect. Sasuke knew as he stared at his love, that he had to know. Even if Naruto turned out to be dead he had to know.

Sasuke then lovingly placed the journal and the picture on his desk before beginning to clean his room. He was almost done when his cell phone rang.

"Hello?" Sasuke said as he answered it.

"Hello, Uchiha-san this is Sugisaki from the search group…"

**The End**

Just kidding!

"Hello, Uchiha-san this is Sugisaki from the search group. We have found Naruto, but we are sorry to say that-"

"He's dead?" Sasuke interrupted as the pain slowly consumed him.

"No. I'm so sorry. I didn't know that is what it sounded like I was going to say. I meant I'm sorry to say that Uzumaki-kun is in the hospital. His uncle found him and beat him very badly it seems."

Sasuke was relieved that Naruto was alive but he couldn't help but be angry that someone had hurt his Naruto. Sasuke quickly thanked the woman on the phone before hanging up and leaving to the hospital.

Many people were shocked to see the famous Sasuke Uchiha in the hospital. Nurses and doctors quickly ran up to the Uchiha and asked what he needed.

"I'm here to visit Naruto Uzumaki, tell me what room he is in," Sasuke ordered the staff of Konoha hospital. This was another building Sasuke owned and no one dared to defy him. A nurse immediately went to work to find which room it was before telling the Uchiha that Naruto was in room 201 on the third floor.

Sasuke after hearing this took the elevator up to the third floor it dinged and opened. The Uchiha walked down the hallway and stopped before the room labeled 201.

**To be continued…**

**Review! I will love you! (as a friend) It will also make me want to update faster like I did this time!**


	5. Chapter 5

Look I updated quickly! This was done a couple days ago, but I was waiting for a reply from someone but she never replied. I feel I have made you wait longer than needed so here is the newest chapter!

**Warning: Another character death. No it's not Sasuke or Naruto. It's an original character. **

**I have been forgeting to write this so and I feel bad. This story is dedicated to Sasuke2006. I just have to tell you girl that you have my best story as of yet dedicated to you! I hope you are willing to share though, because I have to dedicate this chapter to animeleah, if you want to know why, just ask or read the review she left for the last chapter!**

**Thank you my reviewers! Since I wanted to respond to some anonymous reviews and some other reviews I didn't have time to respond to!**

**CryOfTheGhost: **Your evil man-eating rabbit is going to hold me hostage? If you sent him wouldn't he just eat me? Then I won't be able to write anymore.

**bound by darkness: **Sorry, that it made you dizzy, but I wanted to be able to differentiate the parts of my writing so it would be easier to understand.

**animeleah: **This chapter is for you! I'm so glad you were able to confide in me. I hope we can be friends.

**Failing Mentality: **I feel bad that you cried, but I guess that means I did good. For me to be able to write well enough to emotionally get you so into the story that you cried, I felt very accomplished. I know that must sound really weird, but I hope you understand what I mean. I don't think this chapter will make you cry though.

**blkdragonninja05:** I want my cookie!

**D.ragon's B.lood: **I know I'm cruel. When you are the writer it's fun to leave people hanging. Although my friend Kata, she loves cliffhangers. She does, no lie. I don't understand her at all.

**I'm not telling: **First I just have to mention how I love your name. I'm trying to be funny. This is when you laugh... Okay nevermind ignore that first part, it was stupid not funny I know. Anyway I totally agree with you. My original idea and plot was for Naruto to already be dead, but then my reviewers were so hopeful that they would meet and I couldn't let them down like that. I was planning to write a real story and use my own original characters and change some stuff, but use my original plot. I don't have any idea if I'm good enough, but do you think it would be a good plot for a book?

**mayukochan: **Thank you for the cookies! The best sasunaru angst/romance fic ever? I'm sure you kid and only wrote that because you were so emotionally involved in the story at the moment. I know there must be better and trust me you'll find them and go "Wow, The Journal doesn't even begin to compare to this story!". I'm glad you like it so much though.

**Kenzan: **I do feel special! I didn't even know that this story was good. You people really must like giving me cookies, yes? Oh well I love cookies so, thank you so much! I appreciate your review.

**-Kirara89: **You worship me? I'm flattered, and a little confused. I am not that good at all. I'm glad you like my writing style though! (I already told you all this though, just thought I would mention it again for fun.)

**xBlackLuckx: **I'm glad you stumbled upon it. Your welcome, I enjoy writing and hopefully I will be able to publish some of my original work soon. Okay I will stop now before I start to ramble.

**Sasuke2006: **I don't think I ever mentioned this, but December 27 is my birthday! That is how I decided what day to start the journal on. There are a bunch of other little things in here too that I just don't remember at the moment, and anyway do you like this story? I hope I am doing well, this is dedicated to you afterall.

**SpottedShadow2947: **This is one of the most touching, moving, and true pieces of literatureyou have EVER read? Are you sure about that? I'm happy that you love it, but I don't think it's that good. I don't know if you people can tell yet but I have self-esteem and self-confidence issues. I'm really glad you think so highly of my story though.

**Sagi-chan: **Thank you for pointing that out to me!

**Wingedchilde: **This may be the last it depends. I do feel special! Thank you for reviewing!

**Sophophobic: **That is a long review, let's see if I can break it down. Umm is the fact that you were crying good or bad? I didn't have paragraphs because when I write in my journals I don't write in paragraphs, but I shall keep that in mind the next time I write diary entries for a story. I'm glad you're honest, I know mine is not the best. I don't think it even should be in your top ten Naruto fandom favorites let alone top thirty over-all. I just don't think I'm that good of a writer. It's not inapporiate or anything, it's advice and I appreciate it. You must really love paragraphs. I like long reviews so don't worry.

**YaoiWriter2500: **I wrote what I felt. All the loneliness and pain they have felt, I have gone through. The best way to write a story is to write what you know. It is much more real and captivating for the reader. Nevermind don't listen to me I give bad advice. This is not the best story on the site though, I know there are stories out there much better than mine. Thank you for your encouragement and compliments though, I like hearing them. I am developing an ego. I think that is bad...

**Thankyou to all my other reviewers! I'd reply to you all here, but that would take way too long. Thank you for all the support though, and I enjoy reading every single review. **

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, if I did the plot of the story would be what I am writing right here!

**Chapter 5**

With a shaky hand Sasuke reached for the knob on the door. He had never been this nervous before and the feeling was alien to him. Sasuke could feel the sweat collecting on his hand and wiped it away. His hand fell back to his side and he took a deep shaky breath trying to relax. All these things he was feeling were overwhelming him. He was so anxious to see the blonde, yet afraid that he had already lost his chance. What if Naruto had given up completely? What would he do then? A little girl walking by interrupted his thoughts.

"You'll never know if you don't go in…" The girl said solemnly as she stopped right next to the Uchiha and looked at him. Sasuke's eyes widened at the sight of her, her eyes held no emotion. The little girl in front of him was dead to the world and all that remained was an empty shell with no will.

"How did you know?" Sasuke said.

"The boy in there," She said pointing to the door in front of Sasuke. "Isn't broken like me yet, he can still be fixed. No one came back for me; I'm all alone in this world. I lost everything…"

Sasuke opened his mouth to speak again but didn't have the chance as a nurse ran to them and grabbed the girl.

"I'm so sorry if she bothered you. It won't happen again," The nurse said pulling the child away. Sasuke would have just let her take the girl away if she hadn't looked back. He saw the lone tear as it slid down her pale cheek and his heart clenched in a feeling unknown to him. So unused to the feelings he was experiencing he couldn't help but follow his gut instinct and what his heart told him to do.

"Wait!"

"Yes?" The nurse questioned confused.

"She wasn't bothering me, we were talking. It was rude of you to interrupt us," Sasuke said with a slight glare directed to the young woman.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," She let go of the girl's arm and the child ran back towards Sasuke and clung to his leg. "I didn't mean to." She bowed in apology and blushed in embarrassment as she quickly walked back down the hall.

"Thank you…" Came the soft voice of the girl. She didn't look at Sasuke so all he could see was her black hair. When he had seen her cry he had thought of Naruto. The girl's eyes looked exactly like his, but it confused Sasuke because the girl's eyes were a steel gray and Naruto's were a bright blue. Their eyes were different, but for some reason Sasuke had seen Naruto in the little girl.

"Your welcome," Sasuke said awkwardly. He was unused to personal conversing of any kind. The small girl looked up and managed a weak smile, but the dull dead look in her eyes remained. She was a very cute little girl, but she was surrounded by sadness much deeper than Sasuke's. She clutched Sasuke's leg tightly as if she let go she would disappear and find that none of this was real.

"If you want," She let go of his leg with one hand began reaching for the handle of the door. "I can open it for you. Everyone needs help sometimes." The other hand was moved to hold his hand.

"No," The little girl looked slightly disappointed and hung her head. "I need to do this myself." As he said this though the grip of his hand tightened around the girl's much smaller hand. The girl looked up surprised and nodded in understanding.

"He's been waiting for you forever…" The child started. "Are you going to make him wait even longer?"

To answer her he reached over and firmly gripped the cold metal of the handle. Squeezing his hand a little the girl silently urged him to continue. He slowly turned the knob and the door opened with a soft click. Sasuke let go of the door and it gently swung open.

It felt like a dream, everything but what he was doing seemed to disappear. There on the bed, right in front of him close enough to touch, was what he had been waiting for his whole life, Naruto. Sasuke walked up to the bed and vaguely noticed the girl let go of his hand. Unconsciously he had moved to the side of Naruto's bed. He looked down at the boy and smiled softly, but soon frowned.

Bandages covered most of the blonde's body. Small scars already marred the tan skin that wasn't covered. Sasuke grabbed his cell and quickly called the hospital and asked that someone come immediately to this room and explain what happened to Naruto. He hung up and shoved the cell into his pocket angry that someone had injured his blonde. His large pale hand reached down and stroked the boy's cheek lovingly.

Naruto looked so sad even in his sleep. Sasuke could feel the pain and sadness radiating off the boy. The blonde was broken and Sasuke wanted to be the one to fix him. He wanted to see Naruto smile and laugh. He wanted to hold Naruto when he was sad. He wanted to talk to Naruto and help him work out his problems when he was angry. He wanted to eat with Naruto. Sleep with Naruto. Love Naruto. Be with Naruto.

His fingers gently traced the whisker like scars on his cheeks as he smiled fondly at the blonde.

"Umm?" The girl began. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, stay," Sasuke said turning to look at her. "What is your name?"

"My name is Kyoko Kikukawa and yours?"

"Sasuke Uchiha," He answered. "Thank you, for the… support?" Sasuke said awkwardly still unused to talking a lot. A small smile appeared on her face though the dead look in her eyes stayed and she walked over to stand next to him.

"You looked troubled and I thought you would want some help. Then when that lady was taking me away you stopped her, I felt like I mattered for once. I have never had anyone care about me. I mean truly care. I never met my father, he left my mother when he found out she was pregnant. It also turns out that my father had HIV and he gave it to my mother and I. Though it didn't matter because my mother died giving birth to me. Mine has already developed into AIDS. My aunt, my mother's sister, is my only known living relative and blames me for my mother's death. So, she pays the hospital to let me stay here and be cared for. I have always been alone…" Kyoko's voice faded as she ended the sentence.

Sasuke then understood. This girl had never had a good life, ever. She has had no one. There were no happy memories to give her hope and no future to look forward to. There was nothing. In an action he was unused to, he set a hand on her shoulder in hope of giving the child a little comfort. Her tiny hand reached up and held Sasuke's for reassurance. They stayed like this even as the doctor came in to talk to Sasuke.

"Ah, Uchiha-san. The patient was very badly abused by his escaped convict uncle. Lacerations and puncture wounds cover most of his body. The largest laceration is from his chest down to his abdomen where it splits and runs down both legs to his ankles. The deepest puncture wound is one through his abdomen in which it goes all the way through. His intestines were cut but are healing well. He's made a pretty quick recovery overall, most people probably would have died from blood loss or not have been able to heal correctly or fast enough. He is very lucky." That was all Sasuke heard before he tuned out the doctors voice.

Naruto was going to be okay. That was all Sasuke needed to know, though the wounds were terrible it didn't matter as long as Naruto got better.

"Uchiha-san?"

"Yes?" Sasuke said hearing his name.

"Why are you here to see _this _boy?" The doctor said curious.

"I love him," Sasuke answered simply and he heard Kyoko giggle at the shocked face of the doctor's.

"Love? But you are a man and he is a male too… You are gay?" The doctor said confused.

"I'd prefer not to answer anything else. Leave my sight," Sasuke ordered and the doctor apologized profusely before leaving the three alone again.

"You… you love me?" A voice said in disbelief. Sasuke's eyes widened as he looked over to see the blonde had awoken at some point.

"Naru…to?" Sasuke questioned.

The boy said nothing just nodded a little before looking away. Kyoko tugged at his sleeve and he looked at her and she mouthed a word to him, broken. Nodding Sasuke understood and took in a deep breath.

"Naruto, I found your journal," Sasuke said evenly as he tried to stay calm. Bright blue eyes locked his in a shocked stare as the blonde opened his mouth and screamed.

"No, no, no, no, no!" He chanted rocking back and forth. "You know. You know everything!" Naruto grabbed Sasuke's arm and shook him. "You know don't you? You do! Now you are here to make it worse! It only gets worse! You don't love me! Why do you lie? Do you want to hurt me too? You can! Just don't say anything. Don't… Please just don't…" His grip on Sasuke's sleeve went slack and Naruto hung his head in shame. "I'm sorry, for everything! I don't know what I did to you but I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Just don't say it! Please don't lie to me like that! Please don't!" Naruto was sobbing at this point and Sasuke felt sick. Naruto was so broken, he was a mess and Sasuke didn't know what to do. He just did what he felt was right.

He wrapped his long arms around Naruto's small shoulders and held him. The boy kept sobbing but Sasuke wasn't pushed away.

"Naruto, I would never lie to you. I… I know how you feel. My older brother killed my whole family and I was left alone. I grew up without anyone." Sasuke tightened his arms around Naruto and the blonde clung to his shirt. "I wanted to die. I wanted everything to go away. I wanted to kill my brother for what he did, but I was so weak that I denied everything. I pushed my past away and refused to think or feel anything ever again. But then I found your journal and it changed me, you changed me."

Naruto's sobbing had subsided and Sasuke gently wiped the remnants of the tears away with his thumb. Naruto's hands reached up and help Sasuke's face in his hands, the blond was staring intently into Sasuke's eyes.

"You… You are Sasuke…" Naruto looked like he couldn't decide if he should he happy or sad. His lipped quivered and he threw his arms around the pale man's neck clinging tightly. "I… I thought you were gone forever… I-I mean I thought I'd never see you again."

Sasuke rested his chin on the blonde's head enjoying the feeling of contact with another. The embrace was so warm and was something Sasuke had been waiting to feel again for a long time. Sasuke decided to say nothing and just hold Naruto. After about two minutes though Sasuke realized he had forgotten about Kyoko. He glanced over to wear she had been standing and found that she was not there. He looked around the room and there was no trace of her. Sasuke had pulled away a little to look around and Naruto whimpered at the loss of contact. Naruto snuggled closer to the Uchiha and Sasuke smiled.

"Naruto," Sasuke said gaining the blonde's attention. "Are going to be okay?"

Sasuke got a nod as an answer before the boy buried his face in Sasuke's chest. Sasuke stayed with Naruto for a few more hours before a nurse came in and told the Uchiha that visiting hours were over and he had to leave. Naruto refused to let Sasuke leave though.

"No!" The blonde shouted clinging to Sasuke. "Don't leave me! You won't come back! Just like Gaara, you won't come back!" Tears filled the Naruto's eyes once again as he continued begging Sasuke to stay.

"I am staying," Sasuke, said hugging the blonde tightly to reassure him as he looked at the nurse to reinforce his command. She just nodded and left without a word. Sasuke lay down in the bed next to Naruto and held him close wrapping his arms protectively around the blonde. Soon, Naruto was asleep and Sasuke contently watched the boy sleep. Though he pushed it into the back of his mind, he knew that the next time the boy awoke they were going to have to discuss the journal.

* * *

Sasuke awoke to a pair of blue eyes staring into his own. He was confused for a moment before yesterday's events came rushing back to him. His arm was wrapped protectively around the blonde's slim waist, while Naruto's hands clung to the silky material of Sasuke's dress shirt.

"Hi," Naruto whispered nervously.

"Good morning," Sasuke said giving the blonde a small smile. He could physically see the boy relax at the sight of the smile. Naruto huddled closer to Sasuke and the Uchiha didn't mind at all. "Naruto?" Sasuke questioned.

"Yeah?"

"You know how I read your journal?" He felt the boy nod his head against his chest and continued. "Well, I know the loneliness you suffered and the pain. The emotional pain that hurt you so much it drove you to physically hurting yourself. I… I can't believe that we kept losing our chances at happiness. I lost everything all at once and am still slowly accepting that it happened, but you, you keep gaining and losing. It's like a never-ending cycle in which you are being tortured cruelly. Like the gods are playing a game to see how far they can push you until you give up. You care so much and want to believe others so badly that you end up hurt a lot. I never want to see you hurt again. I hate seeing you injured like this. I hate everything that has ever hurt you, physically and mentally. I love all of the people who helped you keep going. I love your strength and will to live even after all you have gone through. I want to always see you smile. I want you to never feel lonely again. I want you to want to live. I want you to love me as much as I love you." Sasuke ended his little speech and looked hopefully down at the blonde.

"I… I have always been in love with you…" Naruto began. "But I don't know anything about you. I can't really love you completely if you are a stranger." Naruto smiled sadly. Sasuke kissed Naruto's forehead and smiled.

"I am willing to wait and while I wait I will tell you all about myself."

"I'm glad," Naruto said truly smiling for the first time since Sasuke saw him. Naruto was truly beautiful when he smiled. Suddenly Sasuke remembered something.

"Naruto, do you know a little girl named Kyoko Kikukawa?" Sasuke said.

"Yeah, but she is going to die really soon," Naruto said sadly his whole body slumping against Sasuke. "Her eyes, they are so empty. It's like she is dead inside…"

"I know," Sasuke said. "What do you mean she is going to die soon?"

"She has AIDS and she got some disease and she will most likely die from it. In fact the doctors are almost one hundred percent sure she will." Naruto said sadly leaning against Sasuke searching for comfort. "I am going to lose her too."

"Don't be sad, she is not gone yet," Sasuke said nuzzling his cheek against Naruto's.

Sasuke loved the contact. He liked knowing that he feels safe and not lonely by just holding the blonde boy. The comfort he found in just being around Naruto was also amazing to him. He had never enjoyed being with another human as much as he did with Naruto. All he ever thought about anymore was the blonde. Everything seemed to remind him of Naruto and he'd compare other people's personalities with Naruto's and point out all their bad qualities, but he found no bad qualities in the boy's personality. The reason being he loved everything about the blonde his strengths and weaknesses, good things and bad, he had no faults as far as Sasuke was concerned. He inhaled deeply relishing in the smell of the blonde. His senses were filled with the blonde boy. Sasuke's mind went into overdrive and began wondering what the blonde tasted like and what it would feel like with their bodies pressed against each other's. Now was not the time for these thoughts though no matter how appealing they were and he managed to push them to the back of his mind for the time being.

"If not for Kyoko I may have never even walked through the door to your room, she encouraged me though and somehow I managed to open the door," Sasuke said kissing Naruto's forehead then once on both cheeks. A pale pink blush appeared on Naruto's tan face while Sasuke had done that. "We should do something for her, she deserves so much more out of life than what she has been given." Sasuke whispered into Naruto's ear and the blonde shivered at the feel of Sasuke's warm breathe on his ear. All Naruto's mind could manage to do in response was make him nod and blush even more, the light pink becoming a dark pink.

"Yeah I guess we do owe her a lot," Naruto said smiling cutely.

"Yes," Sasuke said resisting the urge to kiss the blonde. He now had what he wanted, but couldn't help but want more.

"Thank you," Naruto said softly with a little smile on his face. "I never knew that someone would find my journal and I never thought it would have been you." Sasuke just hugged the blonde from behind and let Naruto lean comfortably against his chest.

"I have one question though," Sasuke began and the blonde perked up to listen. "Why are you still here in the hospital instead of back at your house with Gaara?"

Naruto pulled himself from Sasuke's embrace and moved to the edge of the bed. In a cold and emotionless voice Naruto told the story of what had happened.

"I was with Gaara when my uncle came for me. He took both of us back to his house and we tried to fight back but he was too strong. He tied us, naked, up to a wall. Then he took out a knife and began cutting us. He started with me, he made a large cut down my whole body and then he made several more cuts along my arms, legs, and chest. Gaara was yelling at him to stop the whole time and eventually Kyuubi got annoyed and moved on to him. Kyuubi he… he carved words into Gaara's body. He wrote 'freak', 'demon', 'forgotten', and 'unwanted'. Well at least that is all I had seen. I blacked out from blood loss and awoke a couple hours here in the hospital. It turns out the police showed up soon after I had fainted and an ambulance took Gaara and I to the hospital. Gaara was released about a month ago and him and Neji visit once a week, but I don't want Gaara to visit me anymore. All I have ever done is hurt him. Even if it wasn't me exactly it was my fault. I don't ever want him to be hurt like that again. Gaara isn't mad and doesn't blame me at all for it, but I mean deep down you know he had thought even for just a moment, 'If I had never known Naruto this would have never happened.'…"

Tears were falling from Naruto's pretty blue eyes and Sasuke felt horrible. He hadn't meant to make his love cry. Pulling the blonde into a hug despite his struggling he whispered soothing words into his ear and held him close and soon enough the tears ended and the blonde had fallen asleep in his arms.

Hours later the blonde awoke and remembered what they had been talking about and was in tears once again.

"I'm so sorry! I never meant to hurt anyone! I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He rocked back in forth in Sasuke's arms as the elder tried to comfort him, but to no avail.

Things only got worse when a doctor came in and informed them of some bad news.

"I'm really sorry to tell you this, but Kyoko Kikukawa died a few minutes ago. I'm sorry but there was nothing we could do…"

Naruto went into hysteria. He laughed a dead laugh, which held nothing in it; it was just so ironic and unfair to him. Everyone, everyone he cared about ended up dead. There was never anything he could do. They always died! Why? Why did they have to die? He began screaming and tears cascaded down his face. His hands were clinging to Sasuke's upper arm and his fingernails dug into his skin breaking the material and drawing blood. Sasuke's face cringed in pain but didn't do anything, he was willing to do anything for Naruto, even be injured.

"WHY! WHY!" Naruto screamed. "Why do they always die? Why am I always kept alive? Why can't you take me instead?" Naruto said out loud not directing his questions to a particular person. Sasuke held Naruto tighter and whispered in his ear.

"You ask why and I shall tell you. It's because life is unfair. Everything seems to be against you, because you have never been someone else. It's no one's choice whether someone lives or dies, it just happens no matter what kind of person they are. Kyoko wouldn't want you to be like this, she was so glad to see that someone had come for you." Sasuke said gently rocking Naruto in his lap as the blonde calmed down.

Tears still steadily streamed from Naruto's eyes as he looked into Sasuke's dark eyes.

"I don't want to hurt you Sasuke. I love you too much to see you be taken from me too. I don't want you to ever leave me. I don't want to be alone."

At that moment hearing those words Sasuke felt so much pain in his heart that it was overwhelming. He couldn't restrain himself anymore and he kissed Naruto lovingly. The kiss may have lasted but a few seconds but to Sasuke it had lasted forever. Shock and pleasure were present on the blonde's face.

"You could never hurt me unless you stopped loving me. I love you too much to ever leave you and death will not take me without you going with me. No that doesn't mean I will kill you while I am dying, just that we will die together in each other's arms. I promise you that I will never let you be alone again, I will always be with you, maybe not physically, but I am always with you Naruto," Sasuke finished in a whisper.

"Sasuke, how did you fall in love with me? All you know about me is what I wrote in that journal."

"I don't know how I fell in love I just did, because you can't choose who you fall in love with. What you wrote in that journal is all I needed to know about you, I can learn the rest as we go." Naruto smiled through his tears and touched his forehead to Sasuke's.

"I have decided that I want to be with you and hopefully someday soon I can say, I love you Sasuke Uchiha."

Sasuke just smiled and hugged the blonde closer.

* * *

Two weeks later at Kyoko's funeral Naruto and Sasuke stood hand in had at the small gathering. Other than themselves Kyoko's aunt and some people on the hospital's staff that had grown close to Kyoko were there.

The priest began the ceremony and all was silent as he spoke. The cemetery was cold and the essence of death surrounded them. It was almost suffocating. The cold October wind blew around them and caused most to shiver. The leaves on the trees were turning red, orange, yellow and brown. It would have been a beautiful day, if not weighed down with the death of a friend. Silent tears slid down Naruto's cheeks and Sasuke gripped his boyfriend's hand tighter trying to give him some comfort.

The priest finished talking and they lowered the pretty casket into the grave. Sasuke found it ironic that to cover up the ugly sight of death people made beautiful caskets with intricate designs as if to fool you. It made him sick to think of what people did to ignore the bad things in life, just because they wanted to remain ignorant of the truth and stay blissfully happy in the lies they created in their minds.

People then began walking up and placing flowers on the grave. Sasuke and Naruto waited until everyone was gone before walking forward and placing down a single red rose. It was nothing fancy, but beautiful just the same. It's simplicity only complemented the beauty of the flower, just like Kyoko. A beautiful little girl whose simplicity and blunt honesty made her all the more pretty and loved. She may not have known that so many cared for her, but maybe she didn't want to. It might have hurt too much for her to know that she was going to have to leave the people that cared about her behind. Kyoko truly did care so much, that she had forced herself to not care.

Naruto was still crying and Sasuke knew he had to say something to reassure his love.

"Naruto," Sasuke said grabbing the blonde's attention. "Death is a selfish thing. Those who die are free and don't have to feel the pain that those left behind do. Death is the easy way out. The way people choose when they don't think of how it will affect others. Sometimes people don't want to die, but they have no choice and accidentally are selfish. Iruka didn't mean to die; he didn't choose to be hit by that car. Kyoko didn't want to die, it was decided since her birth that she was doomed to an early death. You never want those you love to die, but everyone dies. At different times and for different reasons, no one can control when others die, unless they murder someone. My family died selfishly without me and I was left all alone in this world with no one. My brother died in my mind that day. For the Itachi I had known and called my brother would never have done something like that. Your parents were cruel and took others lives creating much sadness and pain, but your parents mistakes are not your own. You didn't choose for your parents to be killers, it is just how it turned out. Death is hard, but continuing to live and move on is even harder, but with you by my side Naruto. I can live through any hardship," Sasuke finished.

Naruto nodded and clung to Sasuke burying his face in his chest. He nodded his head in understanding and after a few moments moved his head away from Sasuke's chest and looked up and smiled at Sasuke.

"I wouldn't be alive still if you hadn't come along Sasuke. All I need is you and I'm glad I have you," Naruto said meeting Sasuke's lips in a soft kiss.

Even through all the darkness of their past, somehow they were able to hold on until they found each other and accept the past and embrace the future they were going to have together. The loneliness was gone forever now that they were together and the pain subsided whenever the other was around. They completed each other and without each other they were nothing.

Naruto having realized this opened his journal one last time and on the inside of the back cover of the book he wrote the actual final entry.

October 10, 2006

Today I turned nineteen years old and went to the funeral of a little girl who reminded me of myself. Without her I'd also be dead right now, I owe her so much, but she is gone. I just wish I could have thanked her for bringing me and Sasuke together. I love Sasuke and Sasuke loves me. I have all I ever wanted. I am finally for the first time in my life truly happy and even though it is the end of my journal. It is the beginning of my life with Sasuke Uchiha. I guess this is where the saying "For every end there is a new beginning" comes in.

**The End…**

**Or not?**

**That is for you reviewers to decide! Do you want me to continue this and go through the process of their relationship? Or do you just want a simple epilouge?**

Wow... I just went through and fixed all blond or blond's to blonde or blonde's. There was an editing problem I guess. -laughs sheepishly- I didn't realize until I had to do that, that I refer to Naruto as the blonde a lot! I mean if you look back through it you will probably notice I do. I just felt I should mention this. Oh, and if someone wants to, could you go through and count how many times I refer to Naruto as a blonde? I'd like to know but and too lazy and tired to do it. I guess that if you are the first person to tell me I could write a story/one-shot for you. Most likely one-shot though because my stories which I haven't posted are getting backed up. Anyway I'll shut up now.

**Please Review! Keep in mind I will want to write more and faster when I get lots of reviews. By the way, how old do you people think I am based off how I write? I'm just curious.**


	6. Chapter 5 ORIGINAL

**ATTENTION: This is the ORIGINAL ending I had planned. So I decided that since I really loved this ending as much as the other I'm going to post it. THIS IS NOT AN EPILOUGE. I don't think I'm going to write one, but if I do it's going to be a one-shot and not added onto this. THIS IS THE SAD ENDING! You have been warned…**

Okay and now all I have left to say is that I had to write this because it was bothering me because I really liked this ending too. **Animeleah** you might not want to read this chapter, but if you do it's not always like this in real life, there are happy and sad endings and Sasuke is just an emo who wasted his whole life so don't compare yourself to him in this. Oh yeah and **THE BEGINNING OF THIS CHAPTER IS THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONE. Well sort of I changed a few things so yeah.**

**Warning: This chapter contains shonen-ai, lots of sadness and death.**

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.

This is still dedicated to **Sasuke2006 **who is awesome! You should go read her two stories! They rock and I beta them, so I should know. She also beta-ed this chapter for me, so many thanks to her.

**Chapter 5 (Original)**

With a shaky hand Sasuke reached for the knob on the door. He had never been this nervous before and the feeling was alien to him. Sasuke could feel the sweat collecting on his hand and wiped it away. His hand fell back to his side and he took a deep shaky breath trying to relax. All these things he was feeling were overwhelming him. He was so anxious to see the blonde, yet afraid that he had already lost his chance. What if Naruto had given up completely? What would he do then? A little girl walking by interrupted his thoughts.

"You'll never know if you don't go in…" The girl said solemnly as she stopped right next to the Uchiha and looked at him. Sasuke's eyes widened at the sight of her, her eyes held no emotion. The little girl in front of him was dead to the world and all that remained was an empty shell with no will.

"How did you know?" Sasuke said.

"The boy in there," She said pointing to the door in front of Sasuke. "Is broken just like me. No one came back for me; I'm all alone in this world. I lost everything…"

Sasuke opened his mouth to speak again but didn't have the chance as a nurse ran to them and grabbed the girl.

"I'm so sorry if she bothered you. It won't happen again," The nurse said pulling the child away. Sasuke would have just let her take the girl away if she hadn't looked back. He saw the lone tear as it slid down her pale cheek and his heart clenched in a feeling unknown to him. So unused to the feelings he was experiencing he couldn't help but follow his gut instinct and what his heart told him to do.

"Wait!"

"Yes?" The nurse questioned confused.

"She wasn't bothering me, we were talking. It was rude of you to interrupt us," Sasuke said with a slight glare directed to the young woman.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," She let go of the girl's arm and the child ran back toward Sasuke and clung to his leg. "I didn't mean to." She bowed in apology and blushed in embarrassment as she quickly walked back down the hall.

"Thank you…" Came the soft voice of the girl. She didn't look at Sasuke so all he could see was her black hair. When he had seen her cry he had thought of Naruto. The girl's eyes looked exactly like his, but it confused Sasuke because the girl's eyes were a steel gray and Naruto's were a bright blue. Their eyes were different, but for some reason Sasuke had seen Naruto in the little girl.

"Your welcome," Sasuke said awkwardly. He was unused to personal conversing of any kind. The small girl looked up and managed a weak smile, but the dull dead look in her eyes remained. She was a very cute little girl, but she was surrounded by sadness much deeper than Sasuke's. She clutched Sasuke's leg tightly as if she let go she would disappear and find that none of this was real.

"If you want," She let go of his leg with one hand began reaching for the handle of the door. "I can open it for you. Everyone needs help sometimes." The other hand was moved to hold his hand.

"No," The little girl looked slightly disappointed and hung her head. "I need to do this myself." As he said this though, the grip of his hand tightened around the girl's much smaller hand. The girl looked up surprised and nodded in understanding.

"You've been waiting for this forever…" The child started. "Are you going to wait even longer?"

To answer her he reached over and firmly gripped the cold metal of the handle. Squeezing his hand a little, the girl silently urged him to continue. He slowly turned the knob and the door opened with a soft click. Sasuke let go of the door and it gently swung open.

It felt like a dream, everything but what he was doing seemed to disappear. There on the bed, right in front of him close enough to touch, was what he had been waiting for his whole life, Naruto. Sasuke walked up to the bed and vaguely noticed the girl let go of his hand. Unconsciously he had moved to the side of Naruto's bed. He looked down at the boy and smiled softly, but soon frowned.

Bandages covered most of the blonde's body. Small scars already marred the tan skin that wasn't covered. Sasuke grabbed his cell and quickly called the hospital and asked that someone come immediately to this room and explain what happened to Naruto. He hung up and shoved the cell into his pocket angry that someone had injured his blonde. His large pale hand reached down and stroked the boy's cheek lovingly.

Naruto looked so sad even in his sleep. Sasuke could feel the pain and sadness radiating off the boy. The blonde was broken and Sasuke wanted to be the one to fix him. He wanted to see Naruto smile and laugh. He wanted to hold Naruto when he was sad. He wanted to talk to Naruto and help him work out his problems when he was angry. He wanted to eat with Naruto. Sleep with Naruto. Love Naruto. Be with Naruto.

His fingers gently traced the whisker like scars on his cheeks as he smiled fondly at the blonde.

"Umm?" The girl began. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, stay," Sasuke said turning to look at her. "What is your name?"

"My name is Kyoko Kikukawa and yours?"

"Sasuke Uchiha," He answered. "Thank you, for the… support?" Sasuke said awkwardly, still unused to talking a lot. A small smile appeared on her face though the dead look in her eyes stayed and she walked over to stand next to him.

"You looked troubled and I thought you would want some help. Then when that lady was taking me away you stopped her, I felt like I mattered for once. I have never had anyone care about me. I mean truly care. I never met my father, he left my mother when he found out she was pregnant. It also turns out that my father had HIV and he gave it to my mother and me. Though it didn't matter because my mother died giving birth to me. Mine has already developed into AIDS. My aunt, my mother's sister, is my only known living relative and blames me for my mother's death. So, she pays the hospital to let me stay here and be cared for. I have always been alone…" Kyoko's voice faded as she ended the sentence.

Sasuke then understood. This girl had never had a good life, ever. She has had no one. There were no happy memories to give her hope and no future to look forward to. There was nothing. In an action he was unused to, he set a hand on her shoulder in hope of giving the child a little comfort. Her tiny hand reached up and held Sasuke's for reassurance. They stayed like this even as the doctor came in to talk to Sasuke.

"Ah, Uchiha-san. The patient was very badly abused by his escaped convict uncle. Lacerations and puncture wounds cover most of his body. The largest laceration is from his chest down to his abdomen where it splits and runs down both legs to his ankles. The deepest puncture wound is one through his abdomen in which it goes all the way through. His intestines were cut but are healing well. He's made a pretty quick recovery overall, most people probably would have died from blood loss or not have been able to heal correctly or fast enough. His body will heal, but he may never wake up." That was all Sasuke heard before he tuned out the doctors voice feeling himself go into shock.

_Never…wake up?_

That thought raced through his mind as he saw his hope for a new life crashing down around him. Could his one last chance at happiness really be disappearing from his sight so quickly? Why was life so cruel to him? All those other people lived happy lives, yet his was always drowning in sadness. Life was so unfair.

"W-what are the chances he'll wake up and be okay?" Sasuke demanded his eyes flashing dangerously.

"His chances of waking are slim to none," The doctor began with a grim look on his face. "It would take a miracle for this boy to awaken."

"Have people in this situation survived?" Sasuke asked looking at the ground with his hands clenched into fists by his sides.

"What?" The doctor asked confused.

"Have people in this situation survived?" This time he looked right into the others eyes a glare set into place and his voice commanding.

"Yes, but very, very few."

"That is all I needed to know," Sasuke began before waving him off in dismissal. "You may leave now." His tone hinted at it being more of a command then a suggestion. The man nodded before leaving Sasuke alone with the blonde boy.

As soon as the doctor was gone Sasuke's hard look softened and his hand gently reached out caressing his love's cheek once more. _He has to live…he has to…_

-

It had been two weeks and still the boy had not awoken. Most of the fourteen days were spent at the hospital. He barely would leave the room as is, only to eat and use the restroom. The doctors had begun to worry about his obsession with the boy. Time after time a psychologist would be sent into the room to try and help him but he would just cruelly turn them away. He was in denial of the possibility that Naruto may in fact die. After all these years alone he had learned to love again and he refused to let his happiness be ruined.

It was then on the fourteenth day however that the boy he knew as Gaara from Naruto's diary entries appeared to visit his brother. The boy looked surprised to see him there at first but then it turned into suspicion.

"Who are you? Why are you here?" The green-eyed boy questioned, a glare directed right at him.

"Uchiha Sasuke. I'm here because I am in love with your brother," Sasuke answered bluntly. Shock and confusion registered on the other's face.

"You…love him?" Gaara questioned.

"Yes."

"Do you even know him?" Gaara asked. "I've never seen you before in my life so I'm pretty sure you don't know him."

"I read his journal and we met once as children," Sasuke said grabbing the journal from his pocket and tossing it to the boy who caught it. "That journal told me everything I needed to know about him and was enough for me to fall in love with him."

"You…" Gaara began shaking. "Must be crazy! You read my brother's journal and now claim to love him! Do you really think I believe you? Do you?" Rage was now present in the green eyes as they stared with hatred at the elder man. "Stay away from my brother. When he wakes up, I don't need you around to give him false hopes!"

"I do love him! I found the journal! He wanted it found," Sasuke began. "I don't care if you believe me, but I refuse to leave him!" A glare rivaling the other's appeared on his face as the two faced each other anger radiating off them both.

"Stop it!" Came a girl's voice from the door. They both looked over surprised at the sudden outburst to see Kyoko in the doorway on the verge of tears. "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" Her small hands covering her ears and her right foot stomping the ground with every word she said. She shook her head back and forth while shaking.

"Kyoko…" Sasuke whispered breathily. Even though he had known her for just a short amount of time, over the past two weeks they had grown so close. He considered her a daughter and loved the girl. He moved forward and tightly embraced the upset child. Though even the comfort of his embrace did not calm her.

"N-Naruto wouldn't want you t-to fight!" Tears were now streaming down her angelic face. "H-he always said t-that you should s-smile! Even w-when you are at y-your worst. Because smiles m-make you f-feel better. H-he also said that y-you should b-be nice t-to people because y-you never know if t-they could turn out t-to be a g-good friend."

"He's right," Sasuke whispered into the young girl's hair. He rubbed comforting circles on her back and tried his best to sooth the girl.

"N-Naruto…" She began as she started to sob even harder than before. "H-h-he w-was m-my o-o-only f-friend! A-and n-n-now h-he's going t-to d-die!" Kyoko screamed the last part before coughing as the tears flooded down her face.

"You…you really do love him don't you?" Gaara asked staring sadly at the girl. He understood her pain for Naruto was his best friend and if he died it would be like a large piece of himself was missing and there would be a void that no one could ever fill, because no one could replace Naruto.

"Yes…I love him so much…" Sasuke whispered hugging Kyoko tightly. Seeing her so sad made his heart clench in pain and he felt so lost and helpless for he knew that he couldn't make this better. He could only watch Kyoko suffer just as he was.

"I-I d-don't want h-him t-to d-d-die!" Kyoko shrieked. "P-please d-don't make h-him die!" Hearing her say these things threw Sasuke over the edge and he felt warm tears well up in his eyes. "I-I w-will miss h-him s-s-so m-much!" His vision became blurry as his dark eyes stung before the tears slowly slid down his face leaking from the corners of his eyes. "D-don't' t-take him a-away f-from me! P-please d-don't!"

It was killing Sasuke inside to see Kyoko like this. He picked up the small girl and carried her to Naruto's bed then laying her down beside him. The little girl then clung desperately to the unconscious boy unaware of the salty tears staining his sheets and the delicate heart that was slowly breaking at the thought that her best and only friend would soon be gone. Her tiny hands clenched the sheets covering the blonde tightly while whispering into them words begging to not have her friend taken away.

Sasuke was about to sit down beside the bed and help comfort the girl before a hand on his arm distracted him as Gaara motioned for him to follow him outside of the room. Nodding he followed the other outside gently closing the door behind him so not to alert Kyoko of his absence.

"Do you want the details?" Gaara questioned a somber sound in his voice. Now without anger fueling him Sasuke could see all the worry and emotional drain on the red heads face. Sasuke just nodded and Gaara sighed taking a deep breath. "Naruto was walking home from the library and Kyuubi attacked him. He tortured him for five hours before police found them and took Kyuubi away. Naruto was still conscious when they found him and was still awake for a month while he was here, then about three weeks ago he fell into a coma and has not awoken since."

"What happened to Haku and Zabuza?" Sasuke asked remembering that not much was mentioned about them after they had went to America.

"They are happily living in America. I still haven't told Haku that this has happened. I don't want him to have to be sad and cry again. It hurts too much to see my loved ones in pain…"

"I understand…" Sasuke whispered. Gaara looked up into his eyes seeing that the elder was being completely honest. "What about you and Neji? And Sakura and Ino?"

"Sakura and Ino have been depressed and trying to put on happy faces and be hopeful, but they are slowly losing hope and already starting to act as if Naruto is dead. Neji is sad too but he didn't know Naruto as well as we did so he is probably the only reason I'm still sane. Without him I'd probably be going crazy!"

"I never had anyone…" Sasuke said before stopping himself. A curious look was on Gaara's face but he decided it was probably better not to ask and kept silent. Both weighed down with the thought of the loss of someone they loved they walked back into the room finding Kyoko beginning to calm down but still clutching to the blonde boy.

He sat beside the bed and gently ran his fingers through Kyoko's long hair glad to find it was helping her calm down. With a sad smile on his face he watched as Kyoko released Naruto from her tight grip and turned to face Sasuke.

"S-Sasuke?" She asked tears still falling down her face.

"Yes?"

"I love you, Daddy." Her lips turned up in a small smile and Sasuke felt heartbroken at the sight of the small girl. She looked so beautiful even as she cried; a simple smile brightened up her whole face but was smothered by the sadness surrounding the girl.

"I love you too Kyoko," Sasuke said leaning over and hugging the small girl tightly before letting her go.

"Goodnight," Kyoko whispered lying close to Naruto and wrapping her small arms around his warm body. Sasuke felt the warm tears prick at his eyes again and fought them off for a few minutes before giving in and letting them slide down his face as he watched the last two people he loved sleep in front of him.

-

Tears cascaded down Sasuke's face as he watched the doctors' race into the room and it all became chaos. Though he knew it was too late, they were both gone. Kyoko and Naruto had died in each other's arms. They looked so peaceful and content with no trace of sadness on their faces as Naruto's heart monitor line went flat and Kyoko's breathing stopped. All their attempts at reviving them were useless and Sasuke could do nothing but watch as they tried to bring back his loved ones, but they were dead now. Forever.

-

Sasuke watched silently as the caskets containing Kyoko and Naruto were lowered into the ground. He was in denial of what was happening. It was like watching a movie in slow motion. The priests words muffled and the faces in the crowd a blurry mess. All the focus was on the two people being buried. He watched with silent tears slipping down his cheeks as they covered the caskets and all that remained of the ones he loved. The cemetery was cold and the essence of death surrounded him. It was almost suffocating. The cold October wind blew around him and caused most to shiver. The leaves on the trees were turning red, orange, yellow and brown. It would have been a beautiful day, if not weighed down with the death of loved ones. The sky was a dreary gray with only a few clouds decorating the sky. It was so peaceful and somber on this day.

People then began walking up and placing flowers on the graves. Sasuke waited until everyone was gone before walking forward and placing down a single red rose on Kyoko's grave. It was nothing fancy, but beautiful just the same. It's simplicity only complemented the beauty of the flower, just like Kyoko. A beautiful little girl whose simplicity and blunt honesty made her all the more pretty and loved. She may not have known that so many cared for her, but maybe she didn't want to. It might have hurt too much for her to know that she was going to have to leave the people that cared about her behind. Kyoko truly did care so much, that she had forced herself to not care. Though she did care, she cared so much. Kyoko loved and worried. She laughed and cried. Though when it got to hard and overwhelming she'd just bottle it all up inside and ignore her feelings, because it hurt so much when you loved and cared as much as she did.

He then moved over to Naruto's grave holding a large bouquet of Freesias and gently placing them down onto the grave. Freesia meant innocence. Naruto was the most innocent person in the world in Sasuke's mind. The boy tried so hard to be happy and others around him would crush his hopes and be cruel, yet still he would persevere and go on still trying. Even with all the pain he kept living and hoping that it would get better. Then when things did get better something would go wrong, he had learned life was cruel and unfair many times and yet he still lived wanting happiness. That one hope that never died kept him going, but before Sasuke could help give him that chance he had been ripped away from life and died. Then standing there a thought ran through his mind.

_They are gone forever. _

It felt as if he had been crushed. The stress and sudden shock were too much for him. He had no idea what to do, where to go, what to say. It was all happening too fast and he found that he couldn't even catch his breath having to deal with this constant whirlwind of emotions. The only thing he could do was turn and run. And run he did. He sprinted to his car half blinded by tears before getting in and driving fast down the road back to his home. He tore down the streets not caring what the speed limit was only knowing he had to get away, far away from them. He couldn't stand even thinking that they were gone. Before he knew it he was at his home and jumping out of his car before quickly making his way inside and up to his bedroom slamming all the doors behind. Finally reaching his bed he collapsed tired and emotionally exhausted from the days events.

The tears still slid down his face but he felt nothing for he was numb. He knew though in the back of his mind that when it registered that they were dead and never coming back that it would hurt, hurt so much. He needed to think things over before even trying to comprehend all of what had happened in such a short amount of time. And so for about a month he laid in his bed until he finally came to terms with the fact that the ones he loved were dead. With that done he weakly pushed himself up and off his bed. Changing his clothes to a black dress shirt and black slacks, he walked from his room. In a way it was surreal and like he was living a dream. He felt empty and hollow as if he were just floating. This feeling accompanied him all the way to his car and on the drive to the graveyard. Once there he got out of the car and was met with the crisp cold air of November. Leaves lay scattered everywhere in beautiful designs of red, gold, and brown. Though he was blind to the beauty, for he could think of nothing but going to the graves. He stopped and stared at the two identical headstones, frozen as he read the names on them. Kyoko and Naruto really were dead.

Sasuke stood in front of the gravestones. They were still new but the flowers placed upon them were old and rotting. He felt completely numb staring at the names carved into the stone and he felt his heart clench as he fell to his knees. His whole life came crashing down around him as he screamed.

Finally his mind was able to break through the shock and horror and realize what this all meant. The one person he had loved was gone. He would never see him smile for him. Never feel the boy in his arms. Never get to know him, but most of all. Never get to love him.

Tears began streaming down his face and he reached a shaky hand up to feel the warm streams as they slipped down his face. He touched them and yanked his hand away as if it had been burned. What was the point? He had nothing. All he had wanted was Naruto and he was gone. Never to know how the Uchiha loved him. His breaths became shallower and quicker as his heart raced. The feeling of a knife twisting in his chest made him lurch forward in pain and place a hand on the cold ground.

He then looked at Kyoko's grave through his blurry eyes ignoring the stinging pain he felt. She had been like a daughter to him even if only for those two weeks. They had grown so close and he would miss her so much. She could have been part of his happiness with Naruto. They could have been a family…

There had been so many possibilities for them, but Naruto and Kyoko were dead. What did he have left?

That is when he realized something.

It was the end.

There was nothing left in this world for him, he had waited to long and wasted every chance he had been given. Living in the past had taken up his future. The numb feeling returned as his tears dried up. The pain in his chest faded away and he stood. He was nothing again.

All emotion in his eyes was gone as he laughed an empty laugh. He should have known that being able to have a chance at a happy life was too good to be true. Wishes were things that never actually came true and dreams were only meant for sleeping.

He walked from the graveyard no longer feeling any pain or loneliness.

Uchiha Sasuke was dead to the world.

The End

(Seriously it's the end. I'm not going to write anymore for this story. It's done. You'd have to beg and/or threaten me so much to get me to write more for this.)

**Please review and tell me what you think! This is the final chapter after all!**


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